Finding the Voice Within

Sometimes I feel like a wigwam and a teepee....

2012-02-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

I'm two tents (or, too tense)!

I have started dreading the weekends. I wake up in the mornings paralyzed because I don't know what I should do. When I eventually get out of bed, things start to flow, but for about an hour each weekend morning I'm pretty miserable.

How did I get here?

Feel it to release it?!?!?!?

2011-11-04T08:24:00.001-07:00

I just had a profound thought that I'd like to share.

I read a book a few months ago called The Open Focus Brain, which talks about different ways of paying attention.

One part of the book discussed if you are feeling pain- physical or emotional- that it's your bodies way of communicating something, and that by paying attention to your pain, you acknowledge what your body is saying. After paying attention to the pain it often lessens or disappears.

I'm feeling sad today. Normally I try sort of ignore that sadness...I would pay attention to other things..I dig into my work.

Today I decided that it's ok to feel sad, and that in order to release it I need to FEEL it.

I then thought about other things that would hurt you if you held on to them, and came up with this analogy:

If you pick up a scalding iron, and you don't feel the pain, holding onto that iron is going to cause quite a bit of damage to your hand. BUT...if you FEEL the pain...the searing of your hand, you will let the iron go and less damage will be done to your hand then if you held on to it.

This goes back to the message of The Open Focus Brain. When I first read that part of the book, I logically understood it. But after today I GET it.

Another analogy that I thought of, but I don't know if it will hold true...

If sadness is like a sandwich, and we only allow ourselves to feel a little bit of sadness at a time (taking a nibble of the sandwich), then it's going to take a long time to finish that sandwich. It will probably start going bad and growing mold if we spread it out over weeks and months (festering emotions, anyone?!).

Perhaps if we really feel the sandwich.... if we eat the big bites in a couple of sittings, then the sandwich is eaten and gone, without the mold.

I will try not to ignore this sadness. I will acknowledge it, FEEL it, and move through it.

A thought from early this morning:

There's nothing wrong with being emotional. I've had people tell me I'm emotional like it's a bad thing. I say F**K THAT!!!! If there wasn't emotion, we wouldn't have great songs, and great art, and people that are working for change. If there wasn't emotion, we would be zombie like.

Emotion makes people uncomfortable when they see it in someone else. I'm done with living my life because things I do make people uncomfortable. It's not about you anymore. Now it's about me.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Releasing the forgotten poet

2011-10-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have been very quiet.

Without going into too much detail, I decided to start a blog for just my poetry.

It's been an idea I've been tossing around for a while, but never quite got around to actually doing anything about it.

I started writing poetry when I was young, and as I got older, I wrote less.

Poetry is what inspired my to learn how to play the guitar- so I could set poems to music.

Poetry was the safety release valve on emotions that I could not verbalize.

Poetry was what allowed my truth to surface, even when I was not conscious of it.

I let it be forgotten. I forgot a part of myself that was (is!) important.

So now, in the very depths of feeling very broken about one too many things, that part is bubbling up through the cracks.

Some will be new, some will be old, but all on them will contain seeds of my truth.

The Forgotten Poet

Ze Cuppy-cake es Taunting Meh!

2011-01-22T08:48:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went over to a friends house to celebrate her birthday with Chinese take-out. Little did I know...she had bought cupcakes. Carrot cake cupcakes with a swirl of white-ish frosting and a little frosted carrot on top.

There were a total of 6. I inhaled 2 at her house, then she sent one home with me. I have been trying to avoid eating much sugar, but I have very poor self control.

I do great not buying sugar; this is my best tactic. If I don't buy sugar, then it's not in the house, and I don't eat it.

Unfortunately, I leave my house occasionally. Then shit gets real.

Fast forward to this morning:

After eating eggs and toast, my gaze happens to fall on the island counter where a plastic container holds ONE carrot cake cuppy-cake. I eye it. It sits there.

I circle the island, nonchalantly, looking like there was something I needed to be doing, all the while eying the cuppy-cake.

At this moment, the cuppy-cake represents all the to-do list items I'm dreading. In a way I'm dreading eating the cuppy-cake because I know I will pay for it later.

At some critical moment, I break. I open the container, pull the wrapper off the cuppy-cake, and proceed to devour it. DEVOUR....OM NOM NOM >:)

I don't even really know that I tasted it, just that I felt satisfied.

Now if I could only devour my to-do list....

A long slow slide

2010-11-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

There have been several life altering events and dramatic moments in my life in the past 6 months.

I have not being fielding these things well.

A few weeks ago, I started to realize I haven't been my normal self, which was confirmed by some comments from close friends.

I'm not as optimistic or positive as I was at the beginning of the year. Lately I've been fairly moody, a little negative, and somewhat pessimistic.

This is not where I want to be.

In some ways I'm sort of giving myself permission to be this way since it's been a rough couple of months, but in other ways I beat myself up for it, thinking I should be in a better place.

I don't know how to get past where I'm at.

I'll keep your memory safe in my heart

2010-10-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

"and I'm not quite saying goodbye
but how time does fly
and I'll keep your memory
safe in my heart
'cause were never really apart,
you're just moving on
you're just moving on"

The above is part of a song I wrote when my ferret Fiona started to get really sick over a year ago. I had to put her to sleep on memorial day of this year.

Today, my ferret Egan was diagnosed with heart disease, and was given about 1 month to live.

Before I decided to take Egan to the vet this afternoon, I was pondering gardens.
I worked from my home office today, and was specifically thinking about the garden beds that would go in under my office window.

I had decided several months ago that I was going to put an arbor up in the corner of the yard, just behind the gate. On that arbor, I decided to grow purple Clematis in honor of my grandmothers memory. When Fiona passed, I decided to make that corner of the yard a memorial garden of sorts.

Since Fiona means fair one in Gaelic, I decided that I should plant a white flowering plant for her, although I hadn't decided on a specific plant.

Unfortunately, because of the days events, I was not personally able to take Egan to the vet. Luckily, my friend and pet sitter Stacee was able to take him. At first, when she told me the diagnosis from the doctors, I think I went into shock. I was able to talk with her like a normal person, and not tear up or hyperventilate. I think I actually said to her at one point I hadn't really processed everything and that's the only reason I could really speak to her.

During our last conversation before Stacee brought Egan home, I went outside to think. It only took a few minutes for the reality of the situation to set in. I think the thing that really got the flood gates to open is when I started to think about what plant I should plant for Egan in the memorial garden.

Since his name means fire or little fire in Gaelic, I decided his plant needed to be orange-ish, and planted close to Fiona's plant.

Since the vet appointment, Egan hasn't improved much. He has fluid around his lungs and heart, and his heart is enlarged. The fluid retention in his body is causing him pant and have labored breathing. One of the medicines he was given is supposed to help drain the excess fluid out of his body, but it might not kick in for a few days.

Apparently, heart disease isn't that common in ferrets. The vet told Stacee that Egan is the oldest ferret (7 yrs) he's seen in fairly good shape, and that the reason that heart disease isn't often seen in ferrets is because most ferrets don't live long enough to develop the disease.

I hate seeing him so uncomfortable, especially when there isn't much I can do about it. Luckily I worked from home most of the day, so I was able to notice his discomfort and get him to the vet sooner rather than later.

As I've been sitting with Egan this evening, I thought about the similarities between my ferrets and flowers. Both start off from seeds, start out small, bloom, wither, and finally pass.

Another random thought I had earlier was about the signs Fiona left me when she passed. The first couple of weeks after I had to put her to sleep, I kept seeing white feathers. Now, this isn't one of those things where I looked for feathers and thought of her...they would show up in random places. The most obvious occurrence was when I was looking for something in my room, and stuck my hand under the bed to feel around. When I pulled my hand out there was a white feather stuck in between the beads on the bracelet I was wearing. That's the point at which I knew for sure Fiona was telling me that she was ok.

I wonder what signs Egan will give me when he passes. I wonder if, the first time Egan and Fiona see each other on the other side, they will wrestle and make THE ferret noise.

I know that my furkids and I are never really apart, Fiona proved that to me with her feathers. They move on, just like the rest of us will at some point.

I know the finished memorial garden will keep their memories safe in my heart.

Didn't know where to start...

2010-08-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

I used to try and keep journals when I was younger. If I skipped a day I felt like I couldn't move forward until I had recapped the day I had missed, and that got to be overwhelming, so I wouldn't write.

Up until recently, I felt like I have sort of been living my life that way..."I'd really like to go and take a walk...but maybe I should put the dishes in the dishwasher, and go to Home Depot, and maybe grocery shop for the week..."

I couldn't move forward with living until I had gotten all of these chores, these things that one is SUPPOSED to do, out of the way.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reading some psychology books, and trying to figure out why I get so hung up on those things one is SUPPOSED to do.

I found answer in the approval chapter in Dr. Dyers 'Your Erroneous Zones'.

As much as I told myself I didn't care what anyone else thought...it was a lie. I try not to make a habit of lying to myself. Actually, I feel I'm pretty self aware (most of the time).

All of the racing to get the house in order, and keep the dishes tamed, and checking things off of the giant checklist of life- all of that wasn't for me. Maybe some of it was, but for the most part I felt like by doing all those things I was some how gaining the approval of...I don't even really know who.

I'm making progress in retraining myself to not require approval for everything I do, but it's been a little difficult.

So tonight I blog, not because somehow it will rejuvenate the writing skills that have been dormant for so long and somehow please my freshman English teacher, but because part of me needs to be creative, and enjoys writing, and reading, and sharing ideas.

I don't need to recap the last year in order to just pick up where I left off. I'll just write what I feel like writing, because that's enough.

Heelllooooo

2010-05-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

Hello all!

It's been a looong time since I last posted...and I don't even know where to start.

Perhaps I should do a short time line:

Early November- bought house

Thanksgiving- Patrice visited

Mid December- Family visited, home warming party

Late December to Early March- various trips

Late March to April- Raised garden bed construction and starting to plant seeds

April- Lots of yard work

May- Getting estimates for house stuff and getting the house ready for Patrice to move in

Those are the highlights anyway.

When I bought the house, there were quite a few things that were unfinished- some closet doors missing, molding that was never put up, blinds missing, etc.
I'm still trying to finish out getting all the closet doors and blinds up. My handy friend Ken, who was my real estate agent, helped my out with the molding (amongst many other home repair type stuff!).

I figure once I finish up the doors and blinds I wont have much else to do except play in the garden/yard. I can't wait for that time to be here! It was fine doing inside projects when it was cold out, but now that it's warming up I find myself wanting to go frolic outside.

I guess that's it for now.

Questioning main stream relationship crap

2009-10-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

I went to a halloween party last night. I got lots of comments on my headdress, which was two cornicopias zip tied together (will post pic at a later date).

One person was telling me how creative it was. Later he told me I'd be a great mom, to which I replied, if I choose to have children.

This started a whole conversation about relationships and children. The people I was talking were older, have been married decades, and have children.

They assured me that there was someone out there for me after I mentioned to them, more than once, that I wasn't concerned by that fact I hadn't met any one yet.

Granted, there have been many times where I have lamented not finding 'the one', but now is defintiely not one of those times.

Actually, when going through the paperwork for my house, I thought about how awesome it was that I didn't need anyone else to sign papers with me- I don't a second set of initials!

I'm in a very self-centered stage of my life right now...I'm glad I dont have to take someone else into consideration when I'm doing things, or thinking about doing them.

I see this stage as a very necessary defining of who I want to be moving forward and what things I will allow in my life. To me, this is a really healty, responisble thing to do.

I think it's a little sad that there is so much emphasis placed on being in a couple.

Frankly, being single effin' rocks right now!!!

I'm sure in the future I will change my mind about that, but currently it is good.

This is not a well developed post, but wanted to have something down so I could remember and ponder further in the future.

What would you say?

2009-08-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

I recently read a note on my second cousins facebook page that directed the writer to:

List (20) things you want to say to 20 people. Don't say who they are.

It sounded like something I wanted to try, here it goes:

1. I wrote soooo many songs about you; I consider many of them some of my best

2. I really respect you and value your friendship

3. You must think we're similar but were not. Most of the time you get on my nerves.

4. If I weren't afraid you'd over react and of the drama you'd create, I'd tell you how negative you are and try and help you be more positive.

5. I miss you alot. I wish you lived closer.

6. I think the work you do is amazing. You've helped me so much this past year.

7. We don't talk much, and I wish I could talk to you more. I guess I just don't know what to say. I love and appreciate you.

8. You helped me become creative and goofy. I love you.

9. I realize you didn't want a whole lot to do with me growing up. I still think that's true now. I'll be here for you if you need me.

10. I wish you could have been around when I was growing up in Texas.

11. I wish you could have been around when I was growing up in Texas (repeated on purpose).

12. I'm sorry I was too young to understand what you were going through. I wish I would have talked to you more.

13. I can't believe you made me feel that way. I would have been miserable with you. Most of the things you said were lies, and I don't even know if you knew it. I'm glad we don't talk anymore.

14. I so hope you find what you're looking for, and that you sleep better!

15. You've been a great friend! I miss you when we go too long with out talking.

16. I'm so excited for you! I know you've wanted this for a quite a while! I'll help however I can.

17. Although exacerbating, I'm sort of glad you were lazy- it made me more determined to get on with my life!

18. I'm fascinated by your knowledge. I'm excited to know more and spend more time with you.

19. I'm excited to know you'll be guiding me in this new part of life. Knowing your there to answer questions is awesome.

20. You are so supportive. I don't know why I'm still so guarded. I'm afraid I'll disappoint you somehow.

I suck at telling people how I feel. This seems like a safe way to do it with out being 'too' out there!

Some big changes on the way!

2009-07-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

I made an offer on a house!

The seller has signed the contract, but since it's a short sale the offer has to be approved by the bank. The bank should get back to me next week sometime.

Crazy!

I made a website for my business FINALLY! It's not very fancy yet, but it's there. Check it out and let me know what you think. Especially if you have suggestions!

The site is www.spiritedcreationsllc.com .

I adore the guy I'm dating.

Here's a picture:

Scott treats me better than any one I've ever dated. He's awesome. You would all like him very much.

Do you know he's built several miles on the continental divide trail?! Like actually got to decide where the trail went and everything?!?!?!?

I think that's awesome.

I'm going to the renaissance faire tomorrow in Larkspur with some friends of mine. It should be a good time, it's been a few years since I've gone to one.

Last week I started taking a course to enhance and develop my intuitive abilites. I've only been at it a week but I'm starting to notice some improvements.

I'm staying up too late again but I can't help it! I'm excited! I'm not driving tomorrow so maybe I can sleep on the way to the ren faire.

Have a great weekend everyone!

When did I 'grow up'?!

2009-06-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

A few days before my 26th birthday, I decided it would be a good idea to look into buying a house. There were several reasons for this, including the tax credit and the sewage that periodically wells up in the down stairs sink.

Anyway, for the last two weeks I've been really gung-ho on looking for houses on the internet. It's all I've been doing after work, and since I normally equate computer research with work it feels like I've been working really long days for the past two weeks.

I didn't realize how hard it was lookng for houses! It seems like everytime I'm remotely interested in something, there is a pending contract. It's a little discouraging and irritating, but I guess that's how the game is played.

When I mentioned to someone recently that I was looking into houses, they said something like 'wow, your a grown up!'

I thought, oh shit! When did this happen?

One of the big reasons I started looking into houses was the tax credit, which equals money. I have tried hard not to let money be a main focus in my life.

I work hard, I get paid, I pay my bills, there's money left over for some fun stuff- I'm good with that. It was never a goal of mine to be a millionaire or anything. I really just want to be able to take care of myself.

Since I've moved to Colorado, I have vehemently said that I didn't need or want to buy a house of my own. I was also traveling quite frequently and felt like I would have to do everything alone. Both of those situations have changed.

I have neglected all sorts of relationships and life tasks the past two weeks while I was consumed with house hunting and I'm rather disgusted with myself for it.

I am someone who is very sensitive to outside energies, and sometimes it feels like I'm tapping into other energies when it comes to the whole house thing.

I don't need to own a house. A house wont comfort you when your down, or hold your hand or go on a hike with you. There isn't much of a relationship with a building.

While I believe buildings can have their own spirits and energies, it is not a replacement for a human connection.

I'm afraid getting too wrapped up in this and am loosing sight of the things that are truly important. At the moment this is completely evident to me. Sometimes it is not.

It's time for me to take a step back-from everything- and prioritize. This process can be greatly facilitated by keeping events in a day book and sticking to it- I know in the past it's been one of the only ways to keep myself straight and sane.

For me,it's always good to write these sorts of thougts out, it's helps to solidify my intentions.

Have a fabulous weekend everybody!

Quick Update

2009-05-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

I realized I haven't blogged in a while!

Here's some random mind spew:

Beltania was AWESOME- 3 day pagan festival (it deserves it's own blog at some point!)

I got a reading done a while back that helped explain some of the trust issues I have. Apparently it's mostly past life stuff that I have to work through. Beltania helped me start to heal trust of community.

I was given lilacs last night...they are wonderful and purple and smell oh so nice.

I'm starting to get more creative again.

I'm coming out of a couple month funk ( :) )

Belly dancing is fun.

As of tomorrow at 4 a.m. (May 14th), I'll have been living in Colorado for 2 years!

Not all people play mind games (intentional or unintentional), and I have to learn to stop anticipating peoples reaction's to the things I do or say.

Lunch was really yummy- pasta primavera made with quinoa noodles....mmmmm

And now I have to get back to work!

Light and love to you all :)

Tea Party

2009-04-05T14:01:00.001-07:00

I hosted my first tea party today! I was so excited to have my friends over- I know I really enjoyed myself, and I think everyone else did too:)

I think tea parties will become a regular thing at my house.

I hope everyone has a lovely Sunday!

GARRRR

2009-03-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really frustrated. I just spent a freaking hour trying to figure out how to enter some things for my taxes. I am normally not that dense, but I've barely been sleeping lately.
I went to bed around 2am last night and was woken up by the bastard train conductor at 6:30am.
The past 3 or 4 nights I haven't been going to bed until around 1am and getting up around 7:45am.
Before that, I would "sleep" from about 11pm until about 7:45am. When I say sleep, I was technically not conscious, but I didn't really rest either.

When I wake up I feel like I can't get out of bed. When I finally do get out of bed I'm fine and am not particularly tired during the day, but I just don't feel right.

I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH ME RIGHT NOW!

I can't put into words all the abstract thoughts that are floating by at the moment....I just want to feel normal again.

GARR:/

Turning over a new leaf

2009-03-15T21:39:00.001-07:00

Warning: I will be rambling.

It's spring! Friday is the Spring Equinox, the day where light and dark are equal. Days following the equinox get longer, meaning more light! Plants are blooming, trees are budding, birds are singing...everything is coming to life again, and in a way I feel that I am also.
The past few weeks I've had the spring cleaning urge. This year I'm cleaning with Feng Shui principals in mind to get better chi into my house and into my life. I've been doing different Feng Shui fixes around the house the last few weeks and I'm really starting to notice a difference in the way I feel and the way events are happening.
While I'm enjoying cleaning the house and rearranging things, I think I've been staying too close to home. Some times I feel like I shouldn't leave the house...I almost feel guilty about it, as weird as that sounds.
Tonight I went swing dancing in Denver with a friend of mine. When he first asked if I wanted to go I was really hesitant- I figured I would be akward, it was a sunday night, and it was in Denver. After some prodding from a few people I decided to go, and I'm really glad I did. I wasn't akward at all! Actually I thought I picked up the moves pretty quickly and that I did pretty well. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun.
I feel like I am at a turning point now, I have been clearing out the old to make way for the new, and the new has started to roll in! The new is new people, new experiences, new strength, and new energy.

I'm excited! Lots of love to you alllllll:)

Self Perception

2009-03-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

Self perception can be a touchy topic depending on the person. I don't believe myself to be particularly touchy about most things, but I must admit I'm a little...confused about somethings I recently saw on facebook.

Here's the deal, you add this image as a photo in a photo album then tag the little characters with your friends who most closely match the personalities listed.

In photo to the right I was tagged as the evil mastermind.

In the photo to the left I was tagged as the one that's up to no good.

Now, I don't think of my self as an evil mastermind, and I certainly don't believe that I'm always up to no good.

In fact, I'm a little bit hurt/offended.

I realize that this may sound a little silly, I mean, it's a stupid facebook thing, right?

Perhaps when those friends of mine who posted those photos remebered me having that personality trait back in the day, or it was just a funny thing to do, or there was no thought in it really....I don't know.

All I know is that the personalities picked out for me in no way reflect the person I am now or the person I am becoming.

Here's how I think of myself now: motivated, creative, responsible, giving, helpful, caring, encouraging, ambitious, loyal, and generally a good person. All the qualities I've listed are things I wanted to become and am still striving to accomplish.

I'm also impatient, occasionally obnoxious, a little tempramental, self doubting, and somewhat unorganized.

I'm not fishing for compliments here or asking for sympathy...I merely had to get this off my chest.

I'll be the first to admit that I have more thouroughly developed many of the better qualities after I left college, and that most people I talked to on the internet now don't know who I am now.

Thanks for listening. You may now return to your previously schedualed reading material:)

I do things at strange times...

2009-03-07T23:55:00.000-08:00

I do things at strange times...like deciding to Feng Shui my bedroom starting at 11 pm. I get these ideas and can't wait to do them, I'm a little impatient I guess.

Lately (for the past month or so) I've had really low energy and low motivation, which is a little depressing. I know that in order to change the way I've been feeling, I've got to change what I'm doing.

On major change recently is that I am single. I think that this change will be good for me in a variety of ways, but the most important is that this will give me the time and space I need to re-center.

Today I realized that there are many stagnant things in my life that I need to let go of or change. That thought process eventually went to Feng Shui and how I've wanted to look at the Bagua (Feng Shui area map) in relationship to my space. I finally did that tonight, and after some online surfing, found out the the bedroom is one of the more important rooms in the house to make Feng shui friendly.
I've been wanting to rearrange my room for awhile anyway, so it seemed like a good time to mix things up.

As the ferrets watched intently and impatiently from their cage, I dragged and pulled my bedroom furniture in to areas where I thought they would go well. After a few iterations I came up with a configuration that seemed to work better then the way I had everything arranged orginally. Not all the placements are optimal, but my room wasn't neccesarily built to Feng Shui standards, so I count that as an improvement.

The two biggest and positive changes are removing a mirror that was right in front of my bedroom door and moving the bed out from underneath a window. Apparently the mirror infront of the door send chi right back out the way it came so chi wont circulate in and nourish the room. When sleeping underneath a window, chi from you body is sent out the window which can drain one of their energy.

I'm really interested to see how I sleep tonight. I changed the orientation of my bed from N-S to E-W, and when I have done that in the past I don't sleep well for a few nights.
I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks, so I'll gladly try my rom this way for a few nights if it will mean better sleep in the long run.

Another thing I noticed when moving things around is that I had a lot of crap in my room that I didn't realize was there- scraps of paper, loose change, hangers, dirty clothes....I suppose all of things were hiding in plain sight because I didn't think my room looked that bad.

It's now two and a quarter hours after I decided to rearrange and I'm pretty tired- I'll let y'all know how the first night of sleep goes!

Yay for word games!

2009-02-22T22:02:00.000-08:00

I found a word game at B&N tonight that was 75% off. The grand total at check out was $6.66 (score!). The game is called word spot, it's sort of like boggle...but different. Anyway, I'm excited! I <3 word games!

In other news....

-I stuffed myself silly at olive garden with soup and salad

- Both loads of laudry got done

- Allergies and/or a head cold have finally invaded....grrr

- I'm wondering what would make a unique and creative gift for someone who will be in the hospital a few days? I couldn't think of much tonight except for fuzzy comfy socks(ideas gladly accepted.

- Garnet is an awesome energizing stone!

Soooooo.......I guess that's it for now!

Chocolate frosting covered memories....

2009-02-09T19:40:00.000-08:00

of the way we were.......(it's a me and Patrice thing)

I was picking up and rearranging some things in my home office when I came across a leather journal. I used to write a ton and have a bunch of half filled journals, but I couldn't remember what was in that particular one so I opened it up to see what was in it.

When I went to field camp in 2003, I was shopping with some of the other girls and we saw these leather bound journals. We thought it might be fun to buy them and have people write in them, sort of like year books at the end of the school year.

What I found in my little leather bound journal was a snap shot of the end of field camp, after spending 6 weeks with the same 17 people out in the wilderness. As I read through each entry I was temporarily transported back 5.5 years. I could hear the voice and laughter of each author in my head.

The whole experience was intensly nostalgic. I miss camping with my geology buddies! Besides field camp, I went on many a field trip and camping trip with the people who also went to my field camp. I miss going to random road out crops and finding great rocks. I miss the days where going on a 5 day camping trip was required.

I've been camping twice in the past 1.75 years. I don't know any other geologists in Colorado. I worked so much last summer that when I was home, I was too tired to do anything.

My life is going in more directions than I ever thought possible. I don't regret the dicisions I made and the actions I took to get where I am now.
What I am realizing though is that I need to sit down and really evaluate the things I want in my life, and what priority those things will take. By nature I try to do everything, which is cool because I have done and tried a bunch of different things. I don't know if I will ever stop trying to everything, but I think I need to allow myself to take time for things like camping that I'd like to do a lot more of.

It's funny that just reading through that journal allowed me to totally change my perspective on my life in such a short time.

I'm thinking too much at the moment to write coherently...thanks for reading!

Quick lunch blog

2009-01-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

I feel icky today. My boss muscle tested me...we think it's parasites. Perhaps the parasites are on all the broccoli I have been eating. I don't really know.

In other news, I am set to make the first official sale of jewelry for my company tomorrow. At 8 in the morning.

I am going rock climbing tonight. It will be the 1 year anniversary of the day I started climbing.

I'm feeling restless and have been for the past few days. No me gusta.

I like tea. I am going to go heat up some water before my break is over (it is the detox yogi tea, incase you were wondering...I heart Yogi tea.)

Piper, my bosses dog, just walked into my office. She is awesome, and so are all of you, dear readers.

Now, go forth and let us all heat water together! It shall be a wonderful and glorious moment when we will all drink tea as one and feel the healing tea energy wash over us.

Yes, I am feeling goofy. You like it. Alot.

Coconut Bliss

2009-01-22T21:45:00.000-08:00

Coconut bliss is a creamy fabulous soy and dairy free frozen pint of heaven.

I am addicted.

Things for me to remember

2009-01-22T11:25:00.000-08:00

I'm noticeing that I cycle through feelings of confidence and being overwhelmed when it comes to my business.
When I start to feel overwhelmed (like right now) I repeat certain phrases like mantras so I dont freak out.

I thought maybe if I wrote these phrases down...well, I don't know exactly what it's going to do, but at least all my phrases will be in one place.

-Not every thing has to be done RIGHT NOW

-Nothing is written in stone, I get to change my mind

-I can change my products to fit selling trends and the needs of clients

-I have a ton of people supporting this venture

-In the past few months, people have enthusiastically liked jewelry I have made for them

-I don't have to get all of my information out of books...my intuition works pretty well when I let it

-I will not be executed or publically embarrased if I happen to make a mistake on City, State, or Federal tax forms

-I can ask for help when filing City, State, and Federal tax forms

-Colorado has excellent small business resources that I should and will take advantage of

-Not everything has to be done RIGHT NOW (I do have a full time job and other responsibilities, I can't work on Spirited Creation tasks all the time) (I know I repeated this one...I say it more than the others)

-It's ok to relax every once in a while

-In this life, Spirited Creations is likely something I was meant to create. For this reason opportunites will come easily and obstacles will be minimal.

The word well is empty now. I am sufficently calmed enough to make it through the rest of my work day.

I hope you all are having a lovely day!

I did it

2009-01-05T21:44:00.000-08:00

Spirited Creations, LLC is now registered with the State of Colorado!
I have an EIN number!
I feel a little nauseous....

There are some other forms I have to fill out and send off, but I think I can take care of those tomorrow.

Holy crap.

Ramblings on Eczema and Candida and self-healing

2008-11-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

For the past 2 1/2 years, I thought I had psoriasis. I've been seeing a new holistic doctor and I was showing him my 'psoriasis' spots and he told me they looked more like eczema spots. I was told by a dermatologist in Nacogdoches that psoriasis is what I had.
The main difference in the two skin conditions is that eczema occurs on the insides of joints like elbows and knees, and in skin folds. Psoriasis occurs mostly on the outside of the joints and is more scaly.
Anyway, I figured out a while back the eating dairy exacerbates my skin condition so I pretty much stopped eating it. I also discovered not drinking enough water will also exacerbate my skin condition.

Recently, I switched from rice milk to soy milk, and my skin condition got worse. I confirmed with my holistic doctor that I was allergic to soy and have not had much soy for about a week. Normally, this would be enough time for my little red spots to start fading, but this is not the case.

I know from several gyno visits that I normally have some amount of yeast 'down there', and the gyno keeps telling me it's normal.

(There is a point coming I promise)

My boss is prone to Candida overgrowth and follows a special diet to combat the overgrowth, we've talked about it a few times.

So last night, I originally started researching Candida overgrowth to see what sypmtoms there were. During my research I found out that Candida overgrowth and skin conditions like eczema and psoiasis are related.

I have been eating more sugars and carbs lately, which is what candida thrives on. I'm assuming this is the reason why my spots aren't going away.

In order to kill off the excess Candida (you do need some in your intestines!) I need stop eating carbs and sugars and dairy. Dairy wont be a problem, I do that anyway. Sugar wont be so much of a problem, I try not to eat too much sugar because of my hypoglycemia anyway. Carbs will be a problem. I pretty much don't eat bread anymore, but I really like rice and pasta and cereal and oatmeal.

I know that you can be addicted to carbs and sugar, and I know that if I dont eat carbs or sugar for about a week I'll be fine and I probably wont have strong cravings anymore.

After the excess Candida is killed off, you can start reintroducing small amounts of carbs back into your diet, which I'm excited about.

After all that rambling, the point is that I found a connection between my Eczema and Candida overgrowth, and that I can treat myself by eating better. I will not put a 'band-aid' on my condition and use steroid creams or other icky drugs. I can heal myself naturally!

A new path

2008-11-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

I decided to start a side business last Tuesday, which was election day.
I will be making and selling jewelry and natural loition bars. I will probably also be making soap and soy candles.
I already have a place to sell my products, so all I need to do is set up the administrative side of the business and get my tax ID number. I'm hoping to have this done by the end of the month.
I'm thinking about converting my home 'office' into a workshop. My kitchen is pretty tiny, and I think if I got some hot plates and tables I could probably work in the office with no problem.

At this point your probably wondering what my business will be called.....

I decided to go with Spirited Creations.
________________________________________________________________________________

In other news, I just got my plane tickets today for when I go home for Christmas. I'm flying into Dallas on Saturday the 20th and flying back Saturday the 27th. I will be making a trip to Nacogdoches while I'm in the Texas- probably Mon. the 22nd and Tues. the 23rd.

That's about it for now. I need to make a trip to a craft store and buy soy wax!

On the failed housing bill.....

2008-09-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

When I got up this morning I read an artical about how the House wouldn't pass the housing bill, and then the stock market took a nearly 7% dive.
I was reading along sort of detached until I read this in the artical:

~Rep. Dean Heller, R-Nev., offered a typical sentiment. "I cannot with good conscience put Nevada's taxpayers on the hook for the foolish excesses of Wall Street," he said. "Congress should pass legislation that protects the taxpayer, assists with bad assets and allows the market to correct itself."~

I identify with that statement...and after reading it, I became rather annoyed with what's going on.

I personally have nothing to do with the economy being weak that I can think of. Why should I have to pay for the mistake of Wall Street, the government, or who ever else was irresponisble the the countries financial resources?

I will readily admit I don't know much about the countries finances, and maybe if I did I'd be all for the bailout....but you know what this feels like? Doing group work in a class where I was the one getting stuck doing all the work. And it's not just me....all you other tax payers are getting stuck doing all the work too.

I'm done with that topic....here's another:

The power of thought and the media:

In many New Age/Metaphysical paths, one can cause changes to occur through the power of thought. This can be in the form of spells, positive thinking, even prayers- they all have the same root.
What do you see on the news most of the time? Something bad, and that something bad is usually sensationalized.
I have stopped watching the news, but lets say you, like many other Americans, watch it everyday. Everday in recent weeks, you hear about the stock market and how unstable the economy is. If that's all you hear, perhaps you start to believe, and then to worry. If most people in this nation believe that the stock market/economy will crash, then, through the power of thought, it probably will.
Lets talk about action for a second...action follows thought- if you think something bad will happen, you will probably prepare for the worst. Kind of like preparing for a hurricane coming close to where you live. I'm thinking it kind of works the same with a slow economy that is predicted to get worse.

That being said, what if we all started thinking the stock market/economy will rebound? Action follows thought, so maybe we all start doing little things that help the economy. Maybe all those little things add up to big things and the change begins to happen.

I think I'm done venting in a rambling fashion....everything I said was based on opinion and things I have read.

Slowing Down

2008-09-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a job in Germany on Thursday afternoon. Since I've been back, I have felt like there are a thousand things to get done. I have developed a way of thinking recently which I'm not excited about.....when I get home from a job I have about 2 weeks to cram in as much stuff as possible, whether that be spending time with friends, cleaning the house, paying bills- whatever. Yesterday, I had a list in mind of things I wanted to accomplish before I left to go on a date with K. One of those things involved walking to the store and gettng some things.
The walk to and from the store was gorgeous! It was sunny and the temperature was perfect,and I thought to myself....I don't want to be stuck inside all day! I totally abandoned my list of things to do and left for K's place.
This morning I woke up around 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. The list of things that need ot be done popped back into my mind. Because I'm tired and lack the motivation to start cleaning and doing other things that need to be done, I thought what would happen if I didn't do any of the list today? What if I just enjoy the afternoon I have planned with a friend of mine?
I'm trying to figure out why, if I'm not doing something that 'needs' to be done, do I feel guilty about it?

I have decided this morning that for these few weeks I'm home I'm going to change how I do things. I'm not going to try and cram every little thing that 'needs'
to be done, and every activity that comes up into the time I'm at home.

I barely had a break before leaving for Germany, worked a ton of overtime before leaving for Germany, worked my ass off in Germany, and I think it's time I let myself off the hook a little.

That is the conclusion I have come to this morning.

I will post some road notes from TX and Germany later.

Notes from the road: St. Louis, MO

2008-08-23T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am behind on road notes!

I flew to MO August 3rd I believe, and flew out August 6th.
The first night we were there we went to a modern/fusion restaurant where we ordered about 10 different plates of food and they were all small and came out at different times. We all shared everything. It was interesting, but not very filling. I saw the arch that night, but didn't get a picture:(

This job would have been flawless had in not been 112 with the heat index the first day we worked. I have worked in weather like that before, but when I did I had also lived in that sort of weather for years. For a little over a year now, I have been living in a dry climate...I'm not used to the humidity anymore. It was so still and opressive at times it was difficult to breath.

That day was my bosses birthday. It wasn't very festive, we were all pretty zombie like at dinner. Luckily, my boss got a real celbration about 2 weeks after his real birthday at home.

The next day was cooler, and we got drizzled on the entire 4 hours we worked. My shoes and socks got soaked :/ Luckily we weren't working a whole day or my feet would have had more blisters than I could count!

After working that half day my boss and I flew back to Denver. Or, we tried anyway. There were bad storms around the Denver airpoirt so we landed in Colorado Springs to refuel. We sat in the Springs for about 2 hours waiting for the weather to clear up. We got back 3-4 hours after we had originally planned....I think my boss dropped me off at my house around midnight. We had both been up since about 5:30 am that morning so we were both exhausted. I babbled the entire way home because I was trying to keep both of us awake.

I was about to say that was it....but wait!

I started brining cold packs on the jobs I go one so that if I pull something I have a way to relieve some pain. So, upon entering my hotel room and unpacking a bit, I grabbed my cold pack and went to the little fridge. I opened the little door to the freezer, and saw a big blue mound. I started to pull the mound out, but it was sort of frozen to the freezer compartment. It took a few seconds, but I finally pried the blue mound from the icy grip of the freezer. To get a better look, I threw the blue mound on the counter by the sink. And that's when I realized.....the blue mound that I had been manhandeling was a pair of boxers!

I promptly threw the boxers in the trash, then washed my hands (but not before I got a picture!).

The next day I was walking around in the room and kicked something...it turneed out to be a little 8 ball that was about the size and weight of a ping pong ball- I kept that to eventually put in a geocache.

I think that is it for the notes on this job.

Hilarious.... egg-actly what I thought!

2008-08-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

I am in Levelland, TX for work. At the moment, I am the only one of my crew that is here. Around dinner time I googled restaurants in town and decided on a japanese hibachi place by the walmart. They sat me at my very own hibachi table, where I read the news on my phone. About 10 minutes later, they sat 4 guys at the end of my hibachi table. They were speaking spanish to each other and didn't seem interested in conversing, so I kept reading the news on my phone.
The hibachi chef soon showed up and I put my phone away so I could enjoy the chefs antics. He started off flipping his spatula and fork around. The next thing he did was take an egg and toss it around with the spatula. I had seen this before...I knew at some point he was going to flip the egg into the hat he was wearing. Except, when he went to toss the egg in his hat, it bounced off the hat and landed on the counter right in front of one of the guys sitting at the table. The egg cracked on the counter, then slid into the guys lap. Everyone looked at each other stunned for a moment before we all erupted in laughter.
It was freaking hilarious!

generic drugs sometimes aren't worth the discount

2008-08-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty emotional for the last several weeks. I thought it may just be all the traveling and being tired and what not, but then I started wondering if it had something to do with the generic birth control I started taking. I mentioned to a friend of mine that I thought the generic bc was messing with me, and he told me that generic forms of drugs DO NOT have to be the exact same as the name brand drugs. He also mentioned that it doesn't take much of a change in drug levels to effect the endocrine system. I hadn't really thought about it for a week or two until today where I had a teary emotional outburst. I just googled Ocella (generic bc)and this is what I found:

http://boards.webmd.com/webx?THDX@@.89a1e9db!thdchild=.89a1e9db

Apparently, there are quite a few women out there that have been having very noticable side effects from Ocella. I have definitely been more emotional, have had fairly regular headaches (I almost NEVER have headaches!), and I have noticed a slight increases in my appetite.

I think I will be switching back to Yasmin (brand name bc) the next go around, even though I will no longer be saving $15. $15 isn't worth all the side effects.

I was originally going to write about how I think that I have some abandonment issues, but I'm know begininng to think that the only reason I started to think that was because of my messed up horomones. Yay.

Ancestors

2008-07-28T21:54:00.000-07:00

During the NH job, I started doing genealogy research. I am addicted.
I never knew much about my ancestors at all, not even my grandpa on my dad's side. All I knew is that he died 4 days after I was born and that he could be mean.
I have traced my ancestry back to the late 1550's/early 1600's to Eiserfeld, Siegen, Germany. I don't know much about those early ancestors, but I'm finding out little things about the more recent ones, like my great grandfather owned a little store across from a methodist church and he played the organ.
My great great grandfather was a highly respected farmer.
My great great great grandfather was a pioneer of Jefferson County, Illinois.
My great great great great grandfather I don't know much about, but my great grandfather x5 served in the revolutionary war. He supposedly came to the US from Germany around 1767....I'm still trying to figure out his story.

I never thought about my ancestors much before, but now they are a passion. I'd like to find out more little stories about them. My dad and uncles and I are in the midst of trying to locate the family bible, it holds a ton of info, and probably the little stories I want to hear.

I'm starting to babble....must go to sleep!

Burning Out

2008-07-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't been home for more than two weeks since Memorial day. I think I have mentioned that before.
When I am home, I have been trying to do too much I think.
I have put off things I have NEEDED to do for things I have WANTED to do.
I was told today I may be going on 3 or 4 jobs in July. This is stellar for the compnay, things I really taking off, and I think I have had a lot to do with that.
However, is this sometihng that's good for me?
I normally rack up overtime hours on travel jobs, which is good
I don't have to pay for anything while I'm gone, which is good

I spend all my time with people that are very different from me, which is fine.
They tend to be kind of cynical, I think it damages my aura/psyche/whatever- not so good.

I come home feeling totally deprived of affection- not so good for me.

I worry about the ferrets while I'm gone. John (my landlord) takes great care of them, but I still worry.

The answer I' am coming up with is that going on jobs all the time, while advantageous monetarily, is not so good for ME.

I think part of it is me still adjusting to traveling every few weeks and trying to figure out where my limits are when I come back.

I think part of it is being tired all the time. We've been working mostly night jobs, and switching back to day time isn't always smooth.

I do not feel right today. I think that may have had to do with my 2nd Gaurdasil such. That shit F**king hurts. My arm is still sore today, and I"m wondering if my funk is somehow tied to the shot.

I want to believe it is, I don't want to feel funky of my own accord.

I'm not going in to detail of why, but I found out today I'm quite afraid of and facsinated by cancer. Afraid because it strikes regardless of pretty much anything, facsinated because it has to do with cell mutations in our own bodies and how cells decided to mutate.

That added to my funky-ness.

ALSO, then train came by about 6am this morning. I went back to sleep. I slept through the alarm and woke up at 8:20...10 minutes before I normally get to work. While I was oversleeping, I had a dream that I went down a little alley way in my car, and that the end had been blocked off by a couple of open gates or something. I started to close the gates so I could get past, and this women came out of a house and told me to come inside. I had to wait arounf for her husband to come out so he could yell at me for moving the gates. I think everytime the alarm went off, I tried to leave in the dream, but someone kept telling me I couldn't leave. It took me all day to figure out that's what actually happened. I was somewhat amused.

Anyway, that's it.

As usual, I didn't spell or grammar check.

Notes from the Road: NY x 2

2008-07-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

The boys and I went to New York for two jobs. The first day of the first job was on the summer solstice.

The trip started off with me worrying we wouldn't get to the rental place on time. I then got to drive a cargo van (with no side windows)through New york city. During rush hour. I can't remember the last time I was so stressed about driving. Especially cause I tend to use my blinker when I change lanes or try and merge. Apparently that is a sign of weakness in the Northeast. I decided the Northeast in general should be called 'the land of many merges'.

Anyway, we got to the hotel in one piece. It was not the best hotel...a little on the scary side.

That night at dinner we had indian food. The next morning I had a little bit of an allergic reaction...the whole left half of my bottom lip was numb.

The first job was spread out on different roads. we had to jump around alot with the land surveying equipment. About halfway theough the surveying I screwed up and ended up having to redo half of it. That's when I fried myself on surveying.

The only thing that shuts us down is lightning. There was lightning and pretty heavy showers on this job.

The next job was about 1.5 hours North of the first job. The site was sort of out in a little rural town. It cracked me up that one of the roads we turned on to get there was called Shivertown Road.

Part of our work area included the foundation of a building that had burned down. We had to run our survey lines inthe foundation and up over the walls. It was logistical nightmare of sorts.

At night at this site there was just a TON of fireflies. It was awesome. Kind of like at the olymnpics when everyones camera flash is going off- that was about the number and frequency of the fireflies.

The consultant on this job was a female geologist. We got along great and talked about all sorts of things. It was really nice to have another girl in the field. I think her being there made the guys realize there are just some things girls DO and it's not just ME.

Those were the highlights that I can remember....it's been a few weeks.

Notes from the road: NH and MA

2008-07-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

The last job site was on the border of New Hampshire AND Massachusetts. Literally, half of a survey would be in each state. I thought it was funny.

This trip reinforces why I heart Southwest airlines....at least on of my connections was early to AND from the job.

This one was another overnight job, so when we got to the hotel on Monday I thought I'd stay up kind late to try and switch over to a night time schedule. Since I'm going to Germany sometime in the next few months, and since I knew I had german ancestors, I decided to do a little genealogy research. I researched for 6-7 hours that night alone, and got back to the 1600's. Luckily other Stonecipher's have done lots of research on the common older ancestors, so getting back that far wasn't so bad. I'm still trying to verify the stuff I found. From that point on, I have been totally addicted to researching my families genealogy...more on that in another post.

This job went pretty well, we 'rented' a guy to help us with traffic control and stuff, which worked out pretty well until the last night of the job when he just didn't show up cause he couldn't get a ride....but didn't call to tell us that.

The entire crew is a little burnt out on traveling. I'm defintily burnt out with land surveying. I get so anxious about whether I'm doing stuff right that I tend to make more mistakes. Luckily the guys still need practice on learning land surveying so I didn't get stuck doing all of it this time.

The consultant on was female (yay!) which is always refreshing/relieving for me. We found out that we both took a class from Dr. Van Brahana at the Univ. of Arkansas. Sometimes it's a small world.

It was not an eventful job, that's mostly good when jobs are uneventful.

That's about it, I have to back track and write about NY.

I don't want to go to NH

2008-07-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

This summer I have been going out on field jobs every week or two since Memorial Day. Up until this trip, leaving was just something that would be done, no questions or reservations.
I do not want to go to New Hampshire tomorrow.
I can't figure out why.
The job is short- only 3 nights.
As I wrote that sentence, I fully realize that this is an overnight job. The last overnight jobs we had were Florida and Texas, which were not so good, for various reasons. I also realized, after reviewing my field notes from those last two overnight jobs, that I don't funtion if I don't get enough sleep. Invariably, things happen during the course of the night which usually causes us to stay later than intended, leaving us less than 8 hours to get back to the hotel and get back to the site. Which means 5-6 hours of sleep.
Well, now that I figured out why I dont want to go, I am going to go pack. While I pack, I am going to visualize the job going well and getting enough sleep.

Nebulous Thoughts

2008-07-08T18:57:00.001-07:00

I want to dance barefoot on the grass
have the wind carry my laughter
to a place where it is needed

I would climb the apple tree again
just for the thrill
to pick a sour apple

My mind is flying everywhere
so many thoughts
which to snatch and ponder?

I saw photos of the universe
from the hubble telescope
so much wonder

How do we come...
from hydrogen clouds and dying stars?

Unimaginably big, the gorgeous universe
and me, so tiny

My mind is a nebula
forming melodic stars
from time to time

The longing to create
is my connection, my song

How do we come...
from hydrogen clouds and dying stars?

A circle that's not so vicious

2008-07-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

I don't recall if I have blogged about feeling 'disconnected' to the universe. If not, the past several months I have felt the disconnect.

In Brian Fround's Fairy Card deck, the card Ekstasis represents the 'song' that fills the universe. It is a feeling of ecstasy and universal energy. It is this song that joins all of us and everything in the world together.
The concept of the Ekstasis card resonates with me. When I feel connected, it's like I can feel and hear a humming or vibration, which I assume is caused by being tuned in to the frequency of the Ekstasis energy. When I am disconnected, there is nothing.

When I first moved to Colorado, I was grateful. Grateful to have a job, grateful to those who had helped me along the way, and grateful to the universe and the powers that be, whatever name you may call them by.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being grateful. It was wierd though...before, the feeling of being grateful was like a vibration in my being, it was something nearly physical. Later, the matter of bring grateful was cerebral...there was no longer a vibration associated with the 'feeling'.

The loss of the grateful vibration also signaled the loss of my connection to the universe.

I have struggled with how to get the connection back in the past few months, and nothing has worked consistently.

Last night, I went out with 4 good friends of mine. We started off having martinis, ate sushi, bar hopped a bit, and danced a little. It was such a great experience, and soooo much fun.

I realized today that I started to hear/feel the humming again, that my connection was returning.

I started to analyze why that was- here is what I came up with:

I have thought for a while that the meaning of life has to do with the relationships we have with one another. What is life but a series of interactions with others?
I started to realize that my interactions with quality people, people whose company I enjoy, has been severly limited the past few months due to traveling and my own hermit-ish-ness. This somehow adversly affects my connection to the universe.
Being around people I truely enjoy has somehow corrected my connection.

I used to be fairly stressed about my job performance and the amount of time it took to do things. I think the stress actually caused me to perform poorly and add time because I was constantly worried about it. At some point, I adopted the attitude that things will get done when they get done and that's that. Hurrying to finish will only make things worse, so just take the time to do things right.

Those are the two major thoughts I had anyway...I'm sure there are more little things.

With the connection to the universe returning, so is the vibrational gratitude.

So, in my moment of reclaimed gratitiude, I want to thank my friends for sticking by me. I know it's hard to keep up with my travel schedule, and I appreciate the effort y'all take in working with me. Thank you for helping me to reconnect to Ekstasis.

As I typed those words, the song became louder and stronger within me. And so begins the circle. A circle that is not so vicious.

I should be sleeping/ selected notes from the road- Fl, TX

2008-06-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've been out on jobs for the compnay the last week and 5 days. I'm on the last day of the last job, which has been an overnighter. I didn't get to sleep until 7am this morning and woke up at 1pm. I called a few people hoping if I laid in bed long enough and did something relaxing I would fall back asleep. NOPE! So I got up and decided to do some work that I needed to do, hoping that at some point I will get some more sleep before I meet the guys at 8pm.

It's been one hell of a trip thus far. Here are some highlights:

On my connecting flight to Florida, I sat next to a civil engineer that insisted on talking to me. Or, talking at me is how I should say it. Towards the end of the trip he told me his wife was going to pick him up at the airport with his dogs. I asked if he had kids, he said no. He asked if I had kids I said no, and I didn't think I wanted any. He asked if I was married, I said I probably didn't want to get married either.
He looked at me and said this: "Girl, you're damaged goods!"

I don't remember much else of the conversation, except I was mildly amused, bewilidered and irritated. I was left wondering if that man thought if I was a lesbian.

I have been thinking alot about that comment, but more on that later.

Florida was also an overnight job. It was kind of horrible. I dont really want to get into it- want to forget!

After Florida, I flew to Dallas and stayed with my parents for a few days. It was great seeing them. It was also nice to be at "home" instead of a crappy hotel.
I'll get to see them again this weekend before I fly back to Colorado.

My dad let me borrow his corvette to drive to the job site, which is about 2 hours from my parents house. It made me nervous, it's so long and low to the ground. I've really had to becareful going up inclines so I don't scrap the bottom of the car. I miss my Jeep- I can just run over stuff like curbs.

So this job looked like it would go really smoothly. The second night of field work we found out that our field equipment had a major malfunction and we couldn't use it. Luckily our equipment HQ was in Austin, so one of the guys was able to drive down and drop off our equipment, and rent a functioning unit to complete the job. We did the equivalent of two nights of work on Wednesday night- it was ridiculous....I'm still not sure how we did it. Last night we did about 1-1.5 days worth of work. Tonight should be like a normal night. I can't wait to drive back to my parents house tomorrow.

I've learned alot in the past week and 5 days about myself, field work, dealing with other people, and life in general.

I fly back to Colorado sunday night, where one of my most favorite peole will pick me up from the airport:) I can't wait to be home.

I worry about the ferrets when I'm gone. The landlord comes over twice a day to let them out when I'm gone, but I still worry that something will happen with one of them and I wont be around. Egan has a few medical problems, and I want to be there for him if he needs me. Fiona just likes to get into crap and find strange places to hide, so that concerns me when I'm gone.

I plan on spending a decent amount of time at home while I'm there....it looks like I'll only be home for two weeks, then I'll be off on field jobs again.

I plan on going to the farmers market on Tuesday after I get back. I'm so sick of eating resturant and fast food. I feel like I need a major detox. I think about how much grease I've eaten and it grosses me out. Blechhoihafihah.

So about how I'm damaged goods....I've decided I'm not like the majority of the population. I don't need kids just because thats what you're supposed if you're a woman. I babysat my bosses kid a few weekends ago for a few days. I like spending time with him, but I dont think I want one of my own. I like to take off and do things spontaneously. I don't want to wait half an hour because the little person wants to wear a certain pair of shoes and will have a fit if he cant wear them. I don't want to constantly have to cater to a little person you can't reason with. More importantly, I don't want to be away from this little person for weeks at a time, it's hard enough being away from the ferrets. I don't want to have to worry about this little person that I would love more than myself(!) when I'm away, or just in general- the world seems like such an F'ed up place sometimes. I don't want to bring someone into the world the way it is right now. I know these things about myself.
I don't need to get married. Don't you get taxed when you get married? What kind of shit is that? Sure there are insurance benefits and stuff....but are they all that good? What if the marriage doesn't last? It seems like a bunch of people just get divorced after a few years- what happens to the insurance benefits then? Some one recently said divorce is basically just a financial transaction...why pay to get married then pay to get unmarried? (I know there are other benefits, I'm being cynical)
It seems to me that people come into my life for specific reasons at specific times- what if i just have significant relationships at the time when I need them- what if it's not with one person for the rest of my life?

I'm not saying I will NEVER have kids or get married, but at the moment I dont think those things are in store for me.

I think I'm about done rambling. I'm still not sleepy, which is unfortunate.
I hope y'all will have a good weekend!

random shtuffff

2008-05-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be finishing packing, instead, I have alot of thoughts going through my mind.

For quite awhile, up until the past two weeks or so,I've just felt off. I decided that alot of that had to do with eating too many foods with carbs and sugars. Some of that had to do with some remnants of crap that I had been working through. During that time, I think I pushed alot of people away, or held them at an arms distance. I cant really say why, other than I guess I just needed to figure some things out by myself.
For the past two weeks or so, I've really made an effort to cut most carbs and sugars out of my diet and start taking my suppliments more regularly. I have noticed a tremndous difference in both my mood and energy. Now that I'm sort of back to myself, I'm starting to realize the people I care about most I pushed away the most. I feel kind of bad about that, but I know that I needed that time to work through some things and heal myself.

I'm bad about telling people how I feel about them. As someone who writes very personal songs and poems, I would think just telling someone how I feel wouldn't be difficult....but it is. I recently told a friend of mine that he was my best friend here, and he was surprised. Quite surprised. He told me that he wouldn't have thought that- he didn't know. I felt bad about that. Here's the person that I care about most in the state, and he doesn't even know.

I think sometimes I get very wrapped up in my own mind, and dont' realize how my actions, or inaction, effects those around me.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm feeling rather mopey at the moment. Maybe it's partially because I'm leaving tomorrow for florida, then Texas, and wont be back for two weeks- and partially because I wish I had more time with the people I care about. It seems like this week went by really fast and between working late and being tired, things just didn't work out like I had hoped.

I need to finish packing now. I'm 95% sure I've got everything, but I like to double check.

There should be new Notes From the Road blogs here in the next few weeks!

I'm rambling. I know that when I wake up I'll have to start the travelilng process. It's not that I'm nervous about it....I guess since I haven't been out in the field for a few months I got used to being at home. I like it here.

Found! Poem at work...

2008-05-06T10:02:00.001-07:00

My boss is at a conference and I'm here at the office looking for things to do. I am supposed to be writing a technical paper on my thesis as filler work, so I decided to organize all my thesis info, as it was in a big messy pile.
In my big messy pile, I found a couple of things that didn't belong. On of them was this poem:

This is where I go alone
We started as a tragedy, didn't we?
And we'll end the same
You will stay here
And I will go away

From here I go alone
Start over again
From here I go alone
So far from here
So far from here

I'm bad at dating things I write, but I'm assuming I wrote this poem about this time last year. In about 1 week, I'll have been in Colorado 1 year. I have been reflecting on this quite a bit recently- going over the events that got me here.

I feel like I'm in a good place now....I think of my little half of the duplex as home instead of someplace to keep my stuff when I'm out of town. I recently mulched my little flower garden and lined most of the mulched areas with rocks I've found on various rock hunting trips. I think it looks beautiful, even if only half the flowers from last year survived. I'll plant more.

I have at least 4 friends that I know I can count on and that care about me.
I met one of my very favorite people here- he taught me how to work on my bike and will babysit me when I have to get my wisdom tooth out.
I have a great rock climbing partner that will go have tea with me when I call spontaneously.
The person that I make candy and do crafts with is also Wiccan, and it's great to share those things.
My most laid back friend will pretty much try anything with me- we've been on several hikes and have watched lots of Battle Star Gallactica. He's also very blunt and to the point, which I admire.

My job is awesome! I feel like I'm making a big contribution to my company, and to remedial efforts across the US. I'm excited to help others find contamination so that it can be cleaned up. I see it almost as a spiritual thing, since my beliefs place respect and caring for the Earth high on the totem pole.

TANGENT: I decided that I'm going to make a litter wagon and pull it around with me to downtown loveland and pick shit up. I did a creek cleanup and a park cleanup the weekend before Earth Day, and it just pissed me off how much crap there is on the ground. I walk in and around the downtown area a lot, and I'm always picking stuff up. Not as much as I'd like to, but I still do it.

I lost my train of thought after the tangent....in any case, I've been feeling rather contemplative lately.

Blessed Be!

Hotdog Heaven!

2008-04-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just have to let y'all know- I have found authentic Chicago style dogs right here in Loveland!
I don't know if words can express how excited I am right now.
When I took my first bite, I think a tear of appreciation actually came to my eye....it was that good. I may have also been experiencing some relief that it was an authenitic Chicago dog and not an wannabe Chicago dog.

Most of you will think I'm nuts, but if you have ever grown up with a specific food then moved to where you can't get that food you probably wont understand.

Thank you, people of Dairy Delite, for serving real Chicago dogs!

Good Day

2008-04-06T17:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've felt like writing!

Today was really a fun and relaxing day. This afternoon I went on a short hike with my friend C. The weather was beautiful today- it was sunny and in the high 50's. There was still snow on parts of the trail which always strikes me as kind of funny. The trail we went to was about half way between here and Estes Park, so after the hike we went up to Estes and poked around for about 45 minuts. On the drive back to Loveland we took the scenic route, which goes through Glen Haven and Drake. In Glen Haven there is a purple house with little wooden butterflies and gazing balls all around. It's pretty much is the last house on the way out of town and it always makes me happy to see it. I need to take a picture of it sometime.

I really enjoy the drive to and from Estes because you must drive through the Big Thompson Canyon. The Big Thompson river flows alongside the road almost the entire way. The posted picture is of the Big Thompson Canyon and River.

On the way down the canyon, we stopped by a store that sells mostly cherry products. They had different types of cider, jellies, jams, salsas, and a variety of other foods. I ended up with some apple butter and cherry butter, which means I'll probably be eating alot of toast this week.

Right after you pop out of the canyon, there's the dam store. We stopped there too. The store had $0.99 jerky from several different animals. C decided to buy one of each, which I though was kind of funny. Here's a list of the different kinds:

Buffalo
Pheasant
Venison
Alligator
Kangaroo
Boar
Elk
Ostrich
Antelope

I know that you can make jerky out of pretty much anything...but the variety they had was kind of amazing.

After the dam store, we ran across the higway to a little food shack where we both got a brat. I heart brats. Unfortunatly the place didn't have saur kraut, which is just silly! I don't know how you can sell a brat and not have kraut to put on it.

tangent: there is a great german resturant in town that sells several differnt types of brats. I fully intend to go buy some and grill them some time this summer, after I boil them in beer, of course. I will also have kraut to put on them!

So, after the dam store we stopped at a rock shop that I had not been to yet. They had some neat specimans, but nothing I couldn't live without.

At the very eastern edge of town I saw a place that advertised chicago style hotdogs, which made me very happy. I grew up in Illinois eating those hotdogs, and it was one of the things I missed the most when I moved to Texas. After I take a shower I'm seriously considering going to get a hotdog, assuming the place is still open around 8pm.
Sometimes when I see chicago style hotdogs advertised they aren't really chicago style hotdogs, and it's very sad. I will be a very happy camper if those hotdogs are the real thing!

After we finally got back to my place, C drove back home.

Then I called my friend P in Arizona, who I'm going to go visit Thursday. I'm really looking forward to the trip! Normally I don't really get excited about traveling until I'm driving to the airport, but there is an anticipation build up for this trip. I will definitly have to blog about the trip when I get back.

I'm thinking I'm giong to take a shower then go see if I can get a hot dog...the more I think about it the more it sounds like a good idea!

m

Yay new PA!

2008-02-17T21:08:00.001-08:00

I'd just like to report that the Starbucks show went well, with just a few minor drawbacks. I started to lose my voice a little over an hour into my two hour set. When that starts to happen I have to really pay attention to my voice and how to control it so that I dont hit too may sour notes. Since I haven't played with the PA outside of my basement, setting levels in the coffee shop was interesting. Luckily I had someone there to help me with that, but my voice sounded muddled through out the show, something I will try and fix at the next one.
Every one that came to see me said I was sounding pretty good. It's good to have friends in the audience. I'm looking forward to the next show, which is coming up in about 3 weeks.

Other than that, things are ok. I'll be traveling to New York within the next week or two, hopefully we wont be working in sub-freezing temperatures like the last New York job....that sucked.

Flyer

2008-02-09T15:41:00.001-08:00

I was proud of my creative abilities on this one!

Yes, I'm still allive....

2008-02-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to blog, I really have, but things have been a little crazy. You should all thank Bobbie for poking me and getting me to write! Thanks Bobbie!

I'll give you a brief summary of the last few months:

After the show in Denver, I booked another show at a local Starbucks the Saturday after Thanksgiving. That show was cool because that was the first show my family had seen me perform live (they came up to Colorado for Thanksgiving).

About a week after that, I travelled for a job in New York- I think I was gone a littel over a week. i came back to Colorado for a few days then went to Texas for a job. After that, I came back to Colorado for a few days then left for Texas again to see my family for the holidays. I came back to Colorado and had one day to clean up before my college roommate came to visit. She was here for a week and we were both sick which was kind of funny. We went to a cool New Years Eve thing in down town Fort Collins where you could go see a bunch of different shows then there were fire works around 10pm ish. The event was non-alcoholic and ended early so people could move on to other parties. My favorite show was a Cirque-de-sole (sp?)type thing where they played with fire and did ribbon dancing. Very cool.
The day my old roommate left my girl ferret Fiona had to have surgery because she ate foam and had an intestinal blockage. That wasn't fun. I was really exhausted from the stress of Fiona's surgery and being sick and the traveling for the next week or two.
In mid-November, my friend and I drove down to Phoenix, AZ to meet my parents and some of their friends for a rock hounding adventure. My dad really really likes green and blue rocks. He picked up a ton of them. My parents didn't check any bags, so I got to take all the rocks home in the Jeep and ship the rocks back to my parents. One box contained a 23 lb rock.
It was neat to share one of my hobbies with my parents and be outdoors with them. Normally when I go home we just sit around and they watch movies and TV and stuff. I normally find something else to do. It's not exactly quality time.
My parents are planning to come up to Colorado for a rock hounding trip in August or September which I'm looking forward to. We also talked about going to Nevada which has a lot of Turquoise which my dad really really likes.
After coming back from Arizona I wasn't in a good place. I was homesick after spending time with my old roommate and my parents, and I had no energy or motivation to do anything. The anxiety which I had effectivly dealt with through counsseling while completeing my Master's was starting to return.
Around that time I decided that maybe I should start seeing a counselor again for a few reasons:

One- to deal with the anxiety that was creeping back into my life

Two- I wasn't adjusting to the move as well as I thought. I told myself- oh I'll start doing _____ again when my schedule levels out. You know what I realized? My schedule won't ever level out due to my wierd travel shedule, which is fine, I just need to find a way to deal with it

Three- I have lost my "connection" to the universe. I would have a hard time explaining exactly what that is, but I am unplugged and unhappy about it

Four- I feel like I dont have anyone to talk to here, and so I keep a ton of things bottled up that I shouldn't. I know that I could call several people back in Texas, which can be helpful sometimes, but it's very different than having someone you can talk to in person

After the first counseling session, I went to Missouri for a job. The weather was freaking miserable. The only thing that shuts our work down is lightning. There was a lightning storm on the first day that caused us to only complete two surveys. The next day, we had to do four surveys in a 14 hour day, which included such annoyances as our trailer locks being frozen shut, snow, and general grumpiness.

I got back from Missouri two days ago.

This morning, I booked a show at Starbucks for next Saturday. I went to Office Max to get some card stock for flyer printing later today. I installed drivers for my scanner so that it will work with Windows Vista (hopefully, haven't tried to run the scanner yet). In about half an hour I'm meeting a friend for lunch at Raising Canes Chicken- mostly beacuse it reminds my of when my old roommate and I would go eat there.

It times to make new memories with the people and places here in Colorado. Although I think fondly of my time in Nacogdoches, I need to stop living in those memories.

I'm healing myself through action and self-appreciation, and I'll be fine.

I didn't spend any time checking this blog for spelling or grammar errors, please excuse them.

Love to you all!

~bb~

(Thanks again Bobbie :p)

Of all the things.....

2007-11-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

So, my first paid gig is tonight in Denver. I went out to dinner last night and thought to myself "I'll just change the strings on my guitar real quick when I get home and go to sleep."

But then an argument ensued!
"I don't need to change the strings- they'll stay in tune better if I don't change them..."
"BUT...I haven't changed them in months....what if I break a string while I'm onstage?"
"Might as well leave everything alone...just go to sleep"

This went on for a while when the -whatifibreakastring- argument won out.

When I arrived home, I proceeded to change the strings on my acoustic guitar. When I got to the low A string, something bad happened.....I BROKE THE F***IN' TUNER PEG!!!!!!

Before I went to therapy, I would have literally freaked out.
However, the P.T. (post-therapy) version of me calmly called my musical friend R to see if he knew what to do. He did! He laughed at me, and I laughed too. I asked to borrow one of his guitars when it dawned on me (DUH) that I have 2 electric guitars to choose from down in my basement.

I made him listen to me while I rambled about the pro's and con's of image with an electric and sound difference with an electric. After determining that it really doesn't matter, I figured this would be a great story to tell the audience..." those of you that know me may wonder why I'm up here with an electric guitar....that's because I BROKE my other guitar last night changing strings- who does this happen to?!?!?" I imagine laughter will follow- this is how it works in my mind anyway.

In related news, all the people I have met that have bought tickets to my show are just utterly fabulous! They genuinely want to see me play and see me do well. I can't impart how encouraging that is or how much that means.

You know you missed it- here comes Stonecipher's random ramblings:

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago, you may have read about it, I was making a lot of excuses for things and wanted to change.

I went and talked to a bunch of coffee houses a week or two ago- I now have a gig next Saturday at a Starbucks in town. My parents will be here then- this will be the first time they have seen me perform my own music.

I ordered sound equipment for the Starbucks show AND future shows...frustration with learning the equipment will ensue.

This past Friday my landlord, who is an independent music promoter, called me around 5 and asked if I wanted to open for Jonathon Edwards at the Rialto Theater in town. Of course I said yes! I played a 20 minute opening set then rushed up to Fort Collins for a meetup event that I kind of pushed aside to sell tickets to my concert tonight.

There are so many signs telling me that I need to be playing music...I'm listening.

Random II

2007-11-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

Welllllll...where to start?

The past two weeks have been crazy busy. I was pretty dang exhausted by the time I got back from Nacogdoches. I mistakenly thought I'd have some time to relax when I returned- it was not the case.
This week promises to be interseting- I had a wine induced conversation on Saturday night that made me realize that I had been making alot of excuses for not doing things. It's amazing how when you have dialouges with yourself you can rationalize ANYTHING and you don't even realize it. It was not until I was questioned about my lack of action that I woke up (this is funny because I fell asleep directly after the conversation).

One of the things I was making excuses for was my music. I had nearly decided to let music go to the background(again)when I really thought about things yesterday.

Writing and playing my own songs is something I have been working towards for 10 years now. I came to the conclusion that I'm a little bit afraid of my music, that it will be consuming and take over everything. Isn't that how good music comes about though?

I have not been writing much since I moved, and I didn't like the open mic I was playing at and I suppose I was discouraged by those things. I let those things become my excuse for not fighting for my art. Normally if I'm not happy with something I will take steps to change it- I attribute my inactivity in this matter to fear.

After I thought about everything that I have been making excuses for and distilled my reasons for inactivity, I found that in every instance that fear was the root cause- fear of consumption, fear of disappointing someone, fear of inadequacy...and I decided I don't want to be someone who is afraid. Fear can inhibit and destroy so much, do I have time to live my life with fear holding me back? I think not.

It was a revelation of sorts.

The first step in changing my reality- tonight I went to 4 or 5 coffee houses in town and asked if I could play periodically. Most of the managers weren't there so I left my new very cool music business card (thanks Rose!) with the employees that were there- we'll see if I get some calls back.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I had decided on two very important things a few weeks ago, one being that I WILL climb a 14er (14,000 + ft mountain), the second is that I WILL leaern how to ride a motorcylce.

I went hiking at Rocky Mountain National Park with a friend on Saturday, and I realize that I have a long way to go before I can climb a 14er- I can't freaking breath while hiking up inclines! I just have to get used to the elevation and I should be fine- I have great leg strength thanks to roller derby!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

It was dark by the time I left work today- that makes me sad:(

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to play some music- I'm excited! We always have a lot of fun together and I could use some creative encouragment.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I feel like something is going to happen soon, like when you wait for the next thunder clap during a storm- you know the thunder will come you just don't know when. In this case, I don't know when or what my thunder will be......

That's probably enough random babbling for now!

I'm going back to Nac!

2007-10-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Here's a heads up for all of you in Nacogdoches- I will be in town from October 26th to October 29th!

Ghost hunt

2007-10-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

One of the meetup groups I'm in is a paranormal group. In order to keep my mind off of ferret surgery last Saturday, I went on a ghost hunt with the group. We took some EVP recordings and photos. One of the girls I was walking with got a good sound clip, which I will try and see if I can post. Overall, it was very intersting.
The first picture is of the 'man in the wall' Apparently the outline of the man has been painted over several times, but keeps appearing.
The second picture is of the first 'orb' I caught. The area along the railroad tracks is called the hobo trail because hobos would walk the tracks during the depression.
The third picture is by the old grain and feed building where lots of people good pictures of orbs, and at least 2 EVPS were caught and you can go listen to them here: www.paranormal.meetup.com/400/files
There's lots of history in downtown loveland, and apparently tons of paranormal activity!

Dealing with Ferret Surgery

2007-10-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have known for a month or so now that my ferret Egan needed surgery. I finally went and had it done on Friday the 28th of September. The doctors were sure that he had adrenal disease, which was causing Egan to lose his hair, and the also suspected insulinoma, which is cancerous tumors on the pancreas.
When the surgeons went in, they removed Egans left adrenal gland, the left lobe of his pancreas, several noduals off the right lobe of his pancreas, an intestinal lymph node which they will biopsy, and they also biopsied some spots on his liver!
I was expecting to pick him up Saturday morning, but apparently my poor boy had vomitted and had diarrhea that night and when the doctors ran blood tests they found that Egan's red blood cell count was low which indicated some sort on internal bleeding. They figured that he had some stomach ulcers that were bleeding and that's what induced the vommiting.
Luckily the place I took him to was a teaching hospital and the have people there all the time, so I was able to visit him Friday after the surgery and Saturday morning. Sunday morning I was able to pick Egan up and take him home. He slept a ton until about Tuesday, now he is more active. The poor baby is on so many meditions- I feel bad about waking him up every few hours to medicate him.
I have been home alot lately because I have to medicate Egan at 7am, 3pm, 7pm, and 11pm. I come home from work everyday to administer his Sulcrafate, which he normally spits on me, then I go back to work covered in ferret medicine.
I have to keep Egan in a 55 gallon rubbermaid tub for another week and a half to minimize his movement- don't want his stitches to get ripped out. I'm under strict instructions to keep him in his tub, which is ok for now because he still sleeps alot, but next week may be a little harder on both of us.
I was a little bit of a wreck before, during, and just after his surgery. Overall, I think I handled the whole thing pretty well. I'm pretty worn out though- I've been staying up later than normal to administer the 11pm meds- and I generally stay up after that to take care of some things. I'm guessing it's less sleep+worrying that has me all worn out.
I guess that's all about that. He's doing great now- he's eating like a pig and pooping all over his tub!

Notes from the Road: Oklahoma

2007-09-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Picture of me driving through Kansas

Lets see....I left Loveland around 4 pm last Tuesday to start my drive to Oklahoma. I stopped in Hayes, Kansas that night. In the morning, I went to the Village Inn across the seat where it took nearly 10 minutes to be seated in a half empty resturant. The service was slow too, so as I sat there waiting for my food I was listening absently to the family behind me. It struck me as funny when the young boy asked "Dad- what's corn beef hash?"
and the dad replied "uh- that's something they eat in the south"
I was very amused by this.

Later that morning I passed through Ellsworth, Kansas. There's nothing really to note about the city except for that there is a Rascal Flats song called Ellsworth about Ellsworth, Kansas. I had the CD in so I played the song as I drove past.
Speaking of Rascal Flats, there is a song with this chorus:

'Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what your made of
You might bend 'til you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe you hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

For whatever reason, when the part about tasting what your made of played, I thought to myself, "why, I suppose I taste like skin.....or lotion"

It's a long boring drive- I get to be wierd.

hmmmm...I got to see OSU's Geology computer lab, which is awesome! They have 3D screens, and giant touch interactive screens and all sorts of fun toys! It was cool.

They day we worked was a 17.5 hour day. Luckily it went smoothly for the most part.

The funniest part of that day was a guy in a pick up truck asking " HEY! are y'all looking for worms?!"

Apparently, it is possible to herd worms with electricity...I guess our resistivity equipment looked like worm herding equipment?

As I turned to walk away from the guy, he said " hey, whats that pouch you have on your back, some water thing?"
I said it was a camel back
he then said he should get one and fill it with beer
It was freaking hilarious.

The ride back was pretty uneventful.
I got in this afternoon around 4pm.

I noticed the fee-rats were nearly out of treats, so I HAD to go get them some more.

Then I HAD to go to REI to get a decent atlas for the work truck. While I was there I HAD to get a bike rack for the Jeep! I plan on attaching my new bike rack and trying it out in the morning- WOO HOOOOOOO! It's going to be so much better than trying to cram my bike in the back of the Jeep- I only did it once- but it SUCKED.

That's all for now!

Random

2007-09-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

So the last thing I was going to write about leaving New York:

As I drove out of the town that I was once supposed to move to, the Ace of Base song I saw the Sign came on, and I couldn't help but smile. Sometimes the universe has a way of letting you know that you're in the right place.
______________________________________________________________

I babysat for my bosses kid the other week- I went over about three, watched him, fed him, put him to bed, and took him to school the next morning.
It was fun, and I love kids, but it was very odd in that I felt like I had taken over someone elses life. I was totally aware how much I don't want a husband or kid at the moment. The thought makes me....I'm not really sure what I feel, but there are no warm fuzzy thoughts right about it.

Which brings me to this:
I think I probably just screwed up the semi-realtionship I'm kind of in. Since I feel like I don't want to be tied down, I think I'm subconsciously sabotaging what I have.

The guy I'm seeing, lets call him J, is unlike anyone I've ever dated. He actually has his stuff together- job, house, dog- and he's kind to me. Maybe I'm being anxious and over analytical, but I haven't heard from him today as is usual- and last night is when I think I probably said some wrong things.

If I did screw something up it serves me right- I should have waited longer. The thing is, I wasn't expecting things between us to get very far, and it turns out we get along pretty well. It seems like things kind of progressed on their own.

_______
So I ran in to a friend of mine today at the store, and she asked why I hadn't been to any group meetings lately- I told her I'd been traveling alot for work, and she kind of scoffed and made some content. later, she asked if I was playingn Open Mic tommorrow, and I said no, I'll be in Oklahoma on a job. She made some comment about me not liking Colorado and about not traveling. I was a little irritated. I moved to Colorado FOR THE JOB. I travel frequently with little notice.

I knew when I took the job that I was joining a small company that needed some extra effort to grow. I accept the fact that if I have plans that don't involve plane tickets that work will trump most things I have planned. I don't mind this. I became a geologist because I didn't want to sit behind a desk all the time. I enjoy my erratic schedual- most of the time.

I have had a few people make comments about the traveling and work in general...it may not be what THEY would like to do, but I enjoy it.

___________________________________________________________

My poor ferret Egan has cancer and he needs surgery. It seems like he has at least 2 or 3 types, so surgery is his best bet. It's going to be expensive. I don't think I could not do anything- for one of the cancers the only thing you can do is surgery, medicine is not an option.
I just have to wait until I'm in town long enough to take care of my sweet boy.

__________________________________________________________________

I went 4 wheelin' in the Jeep for the first time yesterday. J took me to a short trail about an hour away. Driving the 4WD trail was awesome, and when we got to the stopping point, the area was impossibly beautiful.

__________________________________________________________________

I just noticed I tend to write when I should be packing...luckily, I packed most of my junk this morning so there's not alot to do tonight.

If I want to go to bed early, I have to go finish rounding up my junk.

Next time I'll have NOtes from the Road: Oklahoma!

Notes from the road: New York

2007-09-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

So I didn't drive this trip, but flying can be interesting too.

Tuesday morning, my boss pick me up and we drove to DIA to catch our flight to O'Hare. I ended up sitting next to this guy who kind of creeped me out. EVERY time I went to adjust my little air vent, he did the exact same. EVERY TIME. I don't know if he was just waiting for me to do it or what.
At O'hare, my boss treated me to my first shoe shine ever on my cowboy boots. They looked fabulous after they were all shined up.
The flight form O'hare to Syracuse was uneventful. I played Sudoku the whole way there.

The job was ok. Actually, I was kind of irritated most of the time because I couldn't eat on a regular basis and I didn't bring enough snacks.

One night I had to go down and move the truck, and as I exited the elevator I nearly ran over the guy standing there. As I began to walk past, he looked at me and said " Hey! How YOU doin?"
Disgusted, I walked past and heard him say a second later "woo hoo"
I was Pissed!
As I was coming back into the hotel I saw a guy in the parking lot standing there with a bag. The door I was about to enter needed a key so I asked him if he needed to get in that door. He replied "how you doin?" all while ogling me. I was inwardly rolling my eyes, but I opened the door anyway and began walking rapidly to the lobby. I was probably 10 feet ahead of him when He shouted " hey, do you know where to party" I said no, I had just gotten there, and kept on walking to the lobby. By the time I got to my guys to go have dinner I was livid.
I DON'T LIKE BEING LOOKED AT LIKE A PIECE OF f**KIN' MEAT!!!!!

I'll add more about the trip later. Right now I have to get ready to go out with a friend of mine!

Not quite a cinderalla story

2007-09-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Once upon a moment just like this, there was a girl who was supposed to be packing for a trip to a small town in New York for a job. Coincedently enough, that small town, lets call it Faraway, was once the town she would have moved to with someone she loved very much.

Unfortunatley, the move to Faraway never happened, and the boy she loved very much never really loved her back, and didn't want her to go with him. Interestingly enough, he never moved to Faraway either.

So after much schooling, it was time for the girl to move away, and you know what? The boy would not go with her. Not COULD not, would not.
So the girl and the boy she loved very much were no more after the girl moved to a state 1000 miles away.

Earlier today:

The girl had just come back from a camping trip with someone she liked, someone who she could talk to and was kind to her. Later after returning from the camping trip, the girl went over to the boys' house to use his washer and dryer since her dryer was broken. She found that the closer she felt to him, the more memories of the boy she once loved very much came swimming in with out mercy. With memories swirling like a tornado around her, the girl drove home with her freshly laundered cloths and wondered why....
and the wondering ached. Her chest felt heavy, and her eyes felt watery, and she pondered on how she would get through the New York job without being a complete emotional basket case.

She started to wonder if maybe she shouldn't see the boy she liked as much any more, because the memories of the boy she once loved very much held her hostage sometimes. She didn't like the feeling of being in the arms of the boy she liked while being tormented by toughts of the one she once loved very much.

The girl didn't know what to do so she decided to write about it in order to release some pent up emotions in hopes that she would somehow feel better before she got to the airport. Speaking of the airport, one of the last, strongest memories of the boy she loved very much was saying good bye to him at the airport. It was very hard, and she cried most of the drive back home.

Now the girl stares at the computer screen wanting so much to be able to let go of the boy she once loved, but can't. The girl doesn't know why she can't let go.

"sometimes" She thinks...
"sometimes it feels like the strings of our hearts are sewn together"

She knows it has to do with a traumatic event that happened to the boy right before she moved. She couldn't help but just BE there for him, and love him completely with her heart totally unguarded and open. After the move, the cold cold realization set in that he was no longer hers- she was no longer his.

She knows that no one will ever be like the boy she once loved, for people are all individuals, but she wants someone like him SO BADLY. Or does she still want him?
The jury is still out on that one.

The girl has no answers, only an aching heart.

For you, gentle readers, the girl would like to share a song she wrote...

NOT QUITE A CINDERELLA STORY

I left you at the station
then I drove away
with tears in my eyes
cause I thought you would stay

It is cold here
I could sure use the warmth
of your smile
but your miles away

Chorus:
We talked it over
but the shoe just wont fit
so when I call you
your standing there
with nothing to say

The first star of the evening
has just appeared
you know what I wish??
I wish you were here

The clouds are rolling in
it looks like rain
and I'm left
with nothing to say

Chorus:
We talked it over
but the shoe just wont fit
so when I call you
you're standing there
with nothing to say

Bridge:
The fire is dying
It could use some more wood
I would go and find some
If I only could, if I only could

Chorus:
We talked it over
but the shoe just wont fit
so when I call you
you're standing there
with nothing to say

Oh you're standing there
with nothing left to say

Now I must go pack for New York. I hope the day finds you in a better place than I am in at the moment.

To old friends- and new adventures!

2007-08-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

To old friends--and new adventures!

That was the toast made at a fancy italian resturant Thursday night when some old college friends of mine flew into Denver. I hadn't seen them since their wedding in December, so I was excited to pick them up from the airport and eat dinner with them.

Seeing them made me realize how much I'm missing everyone else back in Texas.

Today was a bad day- probably had a lot to do with not getting enough sleep- but things just kept going wrong. On top of that, I called a few people in Texas, which made me sad, especially when I talked to a certain someone.

Last night was awesome though! one of the meetup groups I joined had a BBQ and jam session. There were quite a few musicains there, and they were fabulous to play with. I got alot of compliments on my music and I impressed quite a few people. I was especially glad to hear that so many of the guys in the group liked my original music- I always think that since I'm a girl writing about girly things that guys wont like it. I'm glad I'm wrong!

I'm trying to make some quality friends- people that I have things in common with and can actually hold a conversation with. I think I may have found someone like that last night, but we'll see how it all pans out.

I went roller blading yesterday morning down a paved trail by a creek. It was beautiful, but man am I out of skating shape! I think that was one of the first if not the first time I have skated since I quit roller derby earlier this year. I think I may have found someone to skate with...we'll see about that too.

This past week has been crazy! I went out every night, and was still able to function at work.

I hope I'll be able to spend some time with some of the new people I have been meeting this week.

This Friday I'm going to Illinois to see my family, so I'm excited by that, and a little bit anxious about driving myself to the airport and finding the correct place to park and all that. I have to get up EARLY to catch my flight....it should be interesting.

Now I'm just babbling...probably because I'm exhausted. I'm thinking sleep is sounding good!

~~~bb~~~
~~~~m~~~

So I went on a date

2007-08-13T21:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, I went on a date. For the last week or so I had been kinda of dreading it because I didn't know if I was ready, but I figured I'd give it a try.

So, we went to a resturant called The Black Steer downtown. It was ok, the food wasn't great but the atmosphere was interesting. By the time we were done eating it was early, so I suggested walking to the lake. The lake is actually much more like a large pond, but it's pretty at sunset. The next logical choice was to go to the park across from the lake and play on the playground! The playground was cool- there were all sorts of things to hurt yourself on! At some point, after splashing water on my date from the drinking fountain, there was a little bit of play fighting, and then I had to shoulder check him(you roller derby girls should appreciate this!), and like most men, he was suprised that I could hit him that hard....ya know what...I didn't even hit him that hard! Mua ha ha ha:) We then walked back to my house, where I decided that we needed ice cream and that we should walk down to the store and get some. I like to walk- everything is close to my house! So then we ate some ice cream and talked some more and then he left.
Luckily for him he wasn't pushy- I'm very skitish about the whole dating thing and I probably would freaked out if he was.

My date was very easy to talk to, which was good because we talked about alot of different things and got to know each other a little but.

We met playing sand volleyball at at meetup group in Fort Collins, incase anyone was wondering.

So that was it. I'm most excited that we talked and he wasn't pushy.

~~~BB~~~
~~~~m~~~

Things that I believe

2007-08-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd address some of the thigns I DO believe in:

~I believe the devine has both a feminine and masculine aspect- I believe in the Goddess and God- what you call them is unimportant~

~I believe in the power of positive thought and manifestation through your own will power- this is what makes magic/spells work~

~ I believe one should take responsibility for ones own actions- don't blame the world for your problems if you refuse to do anything to change~

~I believe love, when unconditional, is the greatest thing ever~

~I believe in the rule of 3- whatever you put out will return to you times 3. I try to be as nice and helpful as I can....this doesn't work all the time (I'm human)~

~I believe in random acts of kindness~

~I believe in donating to different causes- I can do this now that I have a job! It may be only a dollar here or there, but I like to think it helps~

~I believe people come into your life for a reason, and that everyone you come in contact with has a lesson to impart- if your paying attention~

~I believe that we are all more resilient than we give ourselves credit for~

~I believe that it is time for me to end this post:D~

I hope that whenever you read this, that your day is filled with wonder, kindness and beauty~

~~~Blessed Be~~~
~~~m~~~

I don't believe in perfection

2007-08-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in perfection!

This is something I have been thinking about in the past few days...

There is always one misspelled word
One hair out of place
Some distance or depth the wasn't measured correctly
A piece of the plan that fell through

I think that the pursuit of perfection is insanity. I refuse to apologize when something I do isn't 'perfect'. I will learn from my mistakes and make the next project better- but never perfect. I believe the only entity that could possibly create something perfect is Mother Nature.

I just wanted to acknowledge my imperfection as a human creature and take resposibility for it.

~~~Blessed Be~~~
~~~m~~~

Yay for friends!

2007-08-07T15:35:00.001-07:00

I have friends that are going to come watch me sing tonight at Avo's! Performing is always more fun when you have a cheering section :D

Personality Test

2007-08-06T19:52:00.002-07:00

I took a personality test...here are the results.

If you hover over the colors you'll see what they mean.

Genuine Leader

I thought it was kinda cool.

~~~BB~~~
~~~~m~~~

Open mic at Avo's

2007-08-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

I decided it was time, time for me to perform after the months I had been neglecting my fans.
Open mic was not what I expected, sadly. Anyone who had been to the open mic at Rita's in Nac knows what comraderie the musicians had with one another. It was a raucous, loud, and lovely atmosphere. There was an unstated rule, it seemed to me at least, that if you played, you stayed as long as you could to hear everyone else play, and that was truly something. Mr. Daniel did a truly wonderful job of operating the open mic at Rita's (perhaps i'm biased?)!!!!
At Avo's the crowd was very quiet, which is kinda cool, cause it seemed like they were listening, but for the most part the atmosphere felt.....disinterested? No one really talked or joked with one another. I saw a few musicians say hi to one another, but that was pretty much it. I noticed that many acts only stayed around for one or two sets before or after their own and left.
While I was pleased with my performance, I was disappointed with the overall experience. I'll have to try a different venue to see if the feel is the same.

~~~BB~~~
~~~m~~~~

Notes from the Road: Northwestern California

2007-08-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

Ok....so this one will be more like a list instead of notes....
I have probably forgotten about 1/2 the things I had in mind......there's still a substantial amount of info for your reading pleasure....

-Wyoming has great rock outcrops.
-The Sierra Trading Post in Chyenne, Wyoming was thouroughly dissappointing.
-Idaho has basalt flows with nice columnar jointing.
-Somewhere in Idaho, we drove through a really bizarre fog like thing, my driving buddy speculated it was smoke, I thought it was dust....I think it ended up being really fine clay particles....very wierd.
-Pocatello, idaho has the super Wal-Mart of Ace Hardwares! They had tools AND camping equipment! It was 80 billion times better then the Sierra Tradin Post in Chyenne, Wyoming
- Somewhere in Idaho, our light connector for the trailer came loose (which is not good when your driving a trailer on a highway), and we dragged it for probably 200 miles. Luckily, my driving buddy is an electrical genius. It took us nearly 3 hours to repair. I say 'us' meaning he fixed the connection, and I ran for more parts and bought him coffee. We were about 15 miles from the Oregon border.
- Oregon isn't a good state to pass through. The default speed limit is 55. If you don't see a speed limit sign, the speed limit is 55. We were informed of this on our way OUT of Oregon.
- There are free range cows in Oregon.....we were drving a long, lonesome highway at dusk through free range territory. We came over a rise and suddenly there were 3 cows in the road. We swerved and dragged the trailer enough to slow us down for one of the lazy bastards to mosey it's fat ass off the road. All I remember is seeing the cows and reaching for the OH SHIT! handles. My drving buddy had enough adrenaline for the rest of the night after that.
- There is a lake in Oregon somewhere that smells like rotten eggs- this means Hydrogen Sulfide gas. I started to wonder if there was enough around to displace the oxygen in the air so that we might suffocate. I was tired and delerious by that point.
- We slept at the first hotel we could find about 2 hours from our final destination. After 3 hours of sleep, we continued to Cali.
-The actual work part of the trip was a blur- It was apparently it was one of the most difficult jobs Aestus has done EVER. Probably 'cause I was there...I'm known for inducing Xtreme field work.
- We had to get the trailer tires replaced before leaving Cali.
- As we were driving through the red woods, we lost our satellite radio, so I played my backpacker guitar in the truck...it was cool. My driving buddy liked it.
-There is a wormhole in western Oregon...one that makes time go reallllllly sllloooooowww. All I know is we drove all day but barely got anywhere. Finding a camp site was difficult that night. We drove 30 miles out of the way to a camp site in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...imagine our suprise when said camp site was packed...WTF!?!?
- I drank a bottle of wine that night.....oh my
-There is a road that goes from Oregon to Nevada where you don't see a town for 5 hours. Seriously.
- I don't recall much of Nevada, except for the hotel room with the jacuzzi...much needed
- The salt flats in Utah look like water...It's really cool, especially in the morning.
-Utah has some of the most inconsiderate drivers ever.
- For at least 50 0r 60 miles in Utah/Wyoming there was road construction. During the constructioin miles, we may have been going 10 MPH. It was fabulous.
-Wyoming has wicked thunderstorms! The lightning was absolutley amazing! I'm glad I didn't have to drive through all that, which I cheerily relayed to my driving buddy.
-Towards the end of the trip, I began to realize how important your driving buddy is. Luckily, we got along really well. The trip could have been truly horrible if we didn't get along.

That pretty much sums it up...I may go back and add more later if I recall anything else!

~~~BB~~~
~~~m~~~~

What's the deal with ladies in the bathroom?!?!?

2007-07-30T21:02:00.001-07:00

Several times during my trip to and from California, I've had to wait an unusually loooong time to use the bathroom, specifically bathrooms with only 1 little toilet. I imagine that most of the time, woman don't need to be in the bathroom THAT long and that they're just messing with their hair. I just pee and leave because I'm assuming that the other ladies in line behind me have to go just as bad as I did and I leave any hair or makeup touch ups until I can get to the car and mess with the mirror on the visor.

Be considerate to your fellow ladies, pee and leave, just pee and leave!!!!!!!!

~~~BB~~~
~~~m~~~

Notes from the Road: NW California to come soon!

JEEP!

2007-07-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Isn't it pretty? Riding with the top down and the radio blaring is fabulously fun!

~~~BB~~~

~~~m~~~~

I have a jeep!

2007-07-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

I bought it yesterday! I must post pictures soon!

I hate cleaning the truck!

2007-07-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

I hate cleaning the truck....but that's what I just did! I washed the outside, took a vacuum cleaner to the inside, wiped everything down and took EVERYTHING out. I'm really hungry now.....

I tried!

2007-07-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

I decided it was about time for me to find an open mic night to sing at. I found a place in Fort Collins that had an open mic that I thought started at 8. Well, it did start at 8, but sign up was at 7pm, and much like open mic at Rita's if you don't get there an hour early to sign up you don't play. I tried to find another open mic, but that didn't work out.
So I came home slightly disappointed, but there is an open mic on Thursday that I'll have to try. I figured tonight I'll do some recording and perhaps post some new songs on my myspace site.

~blessed be~
~~~~m~~~~

Knocked Up with strangers

2007-07-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

Since I have gotten settled in, I decided I needed to meet people. I have been accomplishing this through www.meetup.com. It's a web site where you can create or join a group for pretty much anything in your area. So far I'm in 3- and one of the groups decided to do dinner at Old Chicago, then go see the movie Knocked Up. Dinner was preety good- 4 of us split a large pizza that was super tasty, I don't know about the other 3 people because they were at the other end of the table and I didn't get a chance to speak with them very much.

I really hit it off with a lady from Longmont- we had a way cool discussion about astrology and positive thinking. We're supposed to get together next Saturday...YAY!

As a person who doesn't watch movies that much, let me just say I really enjoyed the movie- I laughed throughout the entire thing!

Tonight I went to another meetup, but I had been to this particular group before and was pretty familiar with everyone. I'm so glad I have been able to get out of the house! If I'm alone too long I tend to think too much and get kind of depressed.

So, I have started meeting people- my next big goal is to go to an open mic...I haven't done one in months! Not since I left Nac:(

I have two other main goals- one is to order some plan tickets to visit my family in Illinois, the other is to trade in my truck for something smaller and more fuel efficient...I'm thinking a Jeep!

I know what your thinking- Jeeps aren't THAT fuel efficient...but they're better than what my truck is!!!!

~blessed be~
~~~~m~~~~

Little intimacies

2007-06-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

I picked up T from the airport Thursday. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him again. Since were supposed to be friends now, I had to supress the urge to do the things I normally would, like hold his hand, or kiss him. It struck me that I had taken these little intimacies for granted when we were together. I didn't realize how much a touch could mean when it had been absent for so long.

I talked to a friend of mine in Nac today, and wished we could go for tea like we used to.

Acknowledge the gift you have in your relationships while you have them. You never know when you may have to move out of state (or ....something)!

~blessed be~
~~~m~~~

Notes from the Road: Destination Wahoo, NE

2007-06-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

I left for Nebraska on my 24th birthday around 5:30 pm. Eastern Colorado is rolling, and smells alot like manure, whichs makes sense since there were cows everywhere. As the sun set on the waving fields of grasses, the most interesting colors were made. To the north, the fields shone like a combination of silver and gold, sometimes they looked white. A few hours later I was headed for big storm clouds, but in the rearview mirror I could still see light in the west. The setting sun shone like an ember in the clouds, and had it not been behind me, I would have stared at it intil it completly dissappeared behind the horizon. The next event was the lighting storm to the northeast. I figured that I'd drive into the storm, but I never did. The lightning was fabulous.
When I crossed the Nebraska border, I noticed the distinct smell of raw sewage. I'm not sure where exactly the odor was eminating from, as all I saw was fields and trees. Also upon crossing the border, I was informed by a sign that Nebraska was the founding place of the arbor foundation. I was only driving to North Platte that night, and it was dark so I was lookoing hard at the highway signs to find my exit. For quite awhile, it looked like there was a Dr. Suess character on all of the highway signs- orange body with a yellow fro- think treasure trollish. Either later that night or the next day, I realized that the picture on the signs was a guy on a horse with a giant yellow sun behind him. It struck me as funny when I figured out what it was.

The drive from North Platte to Wahoo was uneventful, and I don't remember much from it.

There was a great little sandwhich hut near the hotel- I ate there everyday for lunch.

I found out that Wahoo was the largest manufactuerer of bombs during WWII. Apparently there were several mile long buildings that housed the bomb making activities. Those buildings are all gone now, replaced by fields of crops.

The drive back was uneventful, but enjoyable. I listened to the XM radio comedy station quite a bit

Notes from another state will find their way here the next time I drive to a job!

~blessed be~
~~~m~~~

Big Changes!

2007-06-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

First blog! This is something I thought about doing right as I was moving from Texas to Colorado to chronicle my new life, but that just didn't happen due to the craziness associated with moving, starting a new job, and ending a relationship.

I graduated May 12th, started driving my truck with a UHAUL in tow on May 14th, and arrived in Loveland, Co in the wee hours of May 15th. I was lucky to have my boyfriend at the time helped me move. I can't put into words how much he helped me during that time!

I have heard that the stress of moving is second only to a death in the family. I didn't think it was that bad! By the time I left I was so sick of school that I was happy to pack my junk and git. The last few months of school were so busy I didn't have a lot of time to think about what I was doing....I only did what needed to be done. I think that is what saved me from having several anxiety attacks- I didn't have time to second guess myself.

Now I'm here in lovely loveland. I assembled a shelf tonight that I had ordered about 5 weeks ago and as I was putting my knick-knacks on it, I started to realize that the duplex was becoming home- not just the duplex.

I recently came back from a job in Nebraska, and as I drove I thought to myself "I need to meet some people!" I also realized as I was driving that the day I returned from Nebraska was Midsummer, or Litha the Pagan summer festival. One of the things I put on hold while pursuing my masters was my spiritual side, and I vowed to get back when I could. So, combining these two thoughts, I jumped on the internet to google midsummer festivals around the area. I ended up finding a local Pagan group through meetup.com, and decided I would be brave and go to their festival. I was pleasently surprised! Everyone was super nice and welcoming, and I was so glad to get a chance to talk to someone who wasn't my boss! Now I think my boss is great, but it's good to socialize with others.

I joined two other groups at meetup- one is a paranormal group, and the other is a singles adventure group. Let me address the single thing- T and I broke up the last time he left Colorado, which was about two weeks ago. Before he left the last time, he had been at my house for three consecutive weekends with a friend. While it was comforting to know he was in the state, it was hard to know that each weekend he was there was one of the last I would spend with him. It was also hard because I had just moved and didn't have much time on the weekends for myself. The day he left was really really hard. It still is some days I mostly try not to think about it. I have tried to rationalize the reasons why we wouldn't work, but the heart isn't rational. In my head I know why things had to be the way they are, but my heart still hurts. I have been in love before, but I can honestly say I have never loved anyone the way I loved him. I'm starting to get sappy and teary eyed....enough of this!

It's late, and I think I shall retire. I want to be rested for my first free weekend since I moved! I may ride my bike or hike. Later tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a bellly dance thing with someone I met at Litha...oh yeah- I started taking belly dancing lessons!

~blessed be~
~~~m~~~