Releasing the forgotten poet

I have been very quiet.

Without going into too much detail, I decided to start a blog for just my poetry.

It's been an idea I've been tossing around for a while, but never quite got around to actually doing anything about it.

I started writing poetry when I was young, and as I got older, I wrote less.

Poetry is what inspired my to learn how to play the guitar- so I could set poems to music.

Poetry was the safety release valve on emotions that I could not verbalize.

Poetry was what allowed my truth to surface, even when I was not conscious of it.

I let it be forgotten. I forgot a part of myself that was (is!) important.

So now, in the very depths of feeling very broken about one too many things, that part is bubbling up through the cracks.


Some will be new, some will be old, but all on them will contain seeds of my truth.

The Forgotten Poet

Ze Cuppy-cake es Taunting Meh!

Last night, I went over to a friends house to celebrate her birthday with Chinese take-out. Little did I know...she had bought cupcakes. Carrot cake cupcakes with a swirl of white-ish frosting and a little frosted carrot on top.

There were a total of 6. I inhaled 2 at her house, then she sent one home with me. I have been trying to avoid eating much sugar, but I have very poor self control.

I do great not buying sugar; this is my best tactic. If I don't buy sugar, then it's not in the house, and I don't eat it.

Unfortunately, I leave my house occasionally. Then shit gets real.

Fast forward to this morning:

After eating eggs and toast, my gaze happens to fall on the island counter where a plastic container holds ONE carrot cake cuppy-cake. I eye it. It sits there.

I circle the island, nonchalantly, looking like there was something I needed to be doing, all the while eying the cuppy-cake.

At this moment, the cuppy-cake represents all the to-do list items I'm dreading. In a way I'm dreading eating the cuppy-cake because I know I will pay for it later.

At some critical moment, I break. I open the container, pull the wrapper off the cuppy-cake, and proceed to devour it. DEVOUR....OM NOM NOM >:)

I don't even really know that I tasted it, just that I felt satisfied.

Now if I could only devour my to-do list....

A long slow slide

There have been several life altering events and dramatic moments in my life in the past 6 months.

I have not being fielding these things well.

A few weeks ago, I started to realize I haven't been my normal self, which was confirmed by some comments from close friends.

I'm not as optimistic or positive as I was at the beginning of the year. Lately I've been fairly moody, a little negative, and somewhat pessimistic.

This is not where I want to be.

In some ways I'm sort of giving myself permission to be this way since it's been a rough couple of months, but in other ways I beat myself up for it, thinking I should be in a better place.

I don't know how to get past where I'm at.

I'll keep your memory safe in my heart

"and I'm not quite saying goodbye
but how time does fly
and I'll keep your memory
safe in my heart
'cause were never really apart,
you're just moving on
you're just moving on"

The above is part of a song I wrote when my ferret Fiona started to get really sick over a year ago. I had to put her to sleep on memorial day of this year.

Today, my ferret Egan was diagnosed with heart disease, and was given about 1 month to live.

Before I decided to take Egan to the vet this afternoon, I was pondering gardens.
I worked from my home office today, and was specifically thinking about the garden beds that would go in under my office window.

I had decided several months ago that I was going to put an arbor up in the corner of the yard, just behind the gate. On that arbor, I decided to grow purple Clematis in honor of my grandmothers memory. When Fiona passed, I decided to make that corner of the yard a memorial garden of sorts.

Since Fiona means fair one in Gaelic, I decided that I should plant a white flowering plant for her, although I hadn't decided on a specific plant.

Unfortunately, because of the days events, I was not personally able to take Egan to the vet. Luckily, my friend and pet sitter Stacee was able to take him. At first, when she told me the diagnosis from the doctors, I think I went into shock. I was able to talk with her like a normal person, and not tear up or hyperventilate. I think I actually said to her at one point I hadn't really processed everything and that's the only reason I could really speak to her.

During our last conversation before Stacee brought Egan home, I went outside to think. It only took a few minutes for the reality of the situation to set in. I think the thing that really got the flood gates to open is when I started to think about what plant I should plant for Egan in the memorial garden.

Since his name means fire or little fire in Gaelic, I decided his plant needed to be orange-ish, and planted close to Fiona's plant.

Since the vet appointment, Egan hasn't improved much. He has fluid around his lungs and heart, and his heart is enlarged. The fluid retention in his body is causing him pant and have labored breathing. One of the medicines he was given is supposed to help drain the excess fluid out of his body, but it might not kick in for a few days.

Apparently, heart disease isn't that common in ferrets. The vet told Stacee that Egan is the oldest ferret (7 yrs) he's seen in fairly good shape, and that the reason that heart disease isn't often seen in ferrets is because most ferrets don't live long enough to develop the disease.

I hate seeing him so uncomfortable, especially when there isn't much I can do about it. Luckily I worked from home most of the day, so I was able to notice his discomfort and get him to the vet sooner rather than later.

As I've been sitting with Egan this evening, I thought about the similarities between my ferrets and flowers. Both start off from seeds, start out small, bloom, wither, and finally pass.

Another random thought I had earlier was about the signs Fiona left me when she passed. The first couple of weeks after I had to put her to sleep, I kept seeing white feathers. Now, this isn't one of those things where I looked for feathers and thought of her...they would show up in random places. The most obvious occurrence was when I was looking for something in my room, and stuck my hand under the bed to feel around. When I pulled my hand out there was a white feather stuck in between the beads on the bracelet I was wearing. That's the point at which I knew for sure Fiona was telling me that she was ok.

I wonder what signs Egan will give me when he passes. I wonder if, the first time Egan and Fiona see each other on the other side, they will wrestle and make THE ferret noise.

I know that my furkids and I are never really apart, Fiona proved that to me with her feathers. They move on, just like the rest of us will at some point.

I know the finished memorial garden will keep their memories safe in my heart.

Didn't know where to start...

I used to try and keep journals when I was younger. If I skipped a day I felt like I couldn't move forward until I had recapped the day I had missed, and that got to be overwhelming, so I wouldn't write.

Up until recently, I felt like I have sort of been living my life that way..."I'd really like to go and take a walk...but maybe I should put the dishes in the dishwasher, and go to Home Depot, and maybe grocery shop for the week..."

I couldn't move forward with living until I had gotten all of these chores, these things that one is SUPPOSED to do, out of the way.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reading some psychology books, and trying to figure out why I get so hung up on those things one is SUPPOSED to do.

I found answer in the approval chapter in Dr. Dyers 'Your Erroneous Zones'.

As much as I told myself I didn't care what anyone else thought...it was a lie. I try not to make a habit of lying to myself. Actually, I feel I'm pretty self aware (most of the time).

All of the racing to get the house in order, and keep the dishes tamed, and checking things off of the giant checklist of life- all of that wasn't for me. Maybe some of it was, but for the most part I felt like by doing all those things I was some how gaining the approval of...I don't even really know who.

I'm making progress in retraining myself to not require approval for everything I do, but it's been a little difficult.

So tonight I blog, not because somehow it will rejuvenate the writing skills that have been dormant for so long and somehow please my freshman English teacher, but because part of me needs to be creative, and enjoys writing, and reading, and sharing ideas.

I don't need to recap the last year in order to just pick up where I left off. I'll just write what I feel like writing, because that's enough.

Heelllooooo

Hello all!

It's been a looong time since I last posted...and I don't even know where to start.

Perhaps I should do a short time line:

Early November- bought house

Thanksgiving- Patrice visited

Mid December- Family visited, home warming party

Late December to Early March- various trips

Late March to April- Raised garden bed construction and starting to plant seeds

April- Lots of yard work

May- Getting estimates for house stuff and getting the house ready for Patrice to move in

Those are the highlights anyway.

When I bought the house, there were quite a few things that were unfinished- some closet doors missing, molding that was never put up, blinds missing, etc.
I'm still trying to finish out getting all the closet doors and blinds up. My handy friend Ken, who was my real estate agent, helped my out with the molding (amongst many other home repair type stuff!).

I figure once I finish up the doors and blinds I wont have much else to do except play in the garden/yard. I can't wait for that time to be here! It was fine doing inside projects when it was cold out, but now that it's warming up I find myself wanting to go frolic outside.

I guess that's it for now.

Questioning main stream relationship crap

I went to a halloween party last night. I got lots of comments on my headdress, which was two cornicopias zip tied together (will post pic at a later date).

One person was telling me how creative it was. Later he told me I'd be a great mom, to which I replied, if I choose to have children.

This started a whole conversation about relationships and children. The people I was talking were older, have been married decades, and have children.

They assured me that there was someone out there for me after I mentioned to them, more than once, that I wasn't concerned by that fact I hadn't met any one yet.

Granted, there have been many times where I have lamented not finding 'the one', but now is defintiely not one of those times.

Actually, when going through the paperwork for my house, I thought about how awesome it was that I didn't need anyone else to sign papers with me- I don't a second set of initials!

I'm in a very self-centered stage of my life right now...I'm glad I dont have to take someone else into consideration when I'm doing things, or thinking about doing them.

I see this stage as a very necessary defining of who I want to be moving forward and what things I will allow in my life. To me, this is a really healty, responisble thing to do.

I think it's a little sad that there is so much emphasis placed on being in a couple.

Frankly, being single effin' rocks right now!!!

I'm sure in the future I will change my mind about that, but currently it is good.

This is not a well developed post, but wanted to have something down so I could remember and ponder further in the future.