Faith for the Journey: Choosing what is better

I had a realization this morning while cooking breakfast.

In thinking about life after treatment for multiple GI issues and hormone imbalances, I wondered about how to not backslide into the old bad habits that led to poor health in the first place.

I worry that if I eventually have more energy again, that I will go back to trying to do allllll the things and then some, that I’ll go back to eating poorly, that I will put some other thing or activity in place of God again.

These thoughts came up in a counseling session a few weeks back, and my counselor assured me it would be quite hard for me to backslide that hard and forget everything I have been learning.

I try not to allow these thoughts air-time in my brain for very long, but I feel them in the background gnawing at me.

A few months back I had an encounter with Mary of Bethany. She appears in three different stories of the Bible, and in each story, she is at the feet of Jesus. Ever since I read all three stories I keep thinking about her.

I keep being drawn back to one single verse about Mary in Luke 10:42. Jesus and his disciples were on their way somewhere when Martha opened her home to them. Martha was busy preparing the food for all her guests, and was frustrated that her sister Mary sat at Jesus’ feet listening to his teachings and not helping her with the preparations. When Martha asked Jesus to get Mary to help her, he told Martha she was upset about many things… “but few things are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Mary has chosen what is better.

Mary CHOSE.

She didn’t trip and fall near Jesus, then just sit there. She wasn’t there by accident.

Mary CHOSE what was better! 

AND! 

It would not be taken from her.

My realization this morning was this:

In life after treatment, I can also choose what is better!

AND!

It will not be taken away from me!

If I had to guess, 90% of my health issues have been caused by anxiety and stress over a period of several years.

I think one contributing factor to my anxiety is that I was never taught stress coping techniques.

I believe another contributing factor is our American culture. Amongst other things, we seem to value high productivity, putting work above oneself, being independent (which of course requires a good job and making lots of money), and being ‘perfect’. If that’s not a recipe for way too many responsibilities, unrealistic expectations, and maxed out capacity then I don’t know what is!

Maybe it’s just me, but from being immersed in mainstream TV and marketing from a young age it seemed like if I didn’t have all my ducks in a row and look good doing it then something was wrong with me. If I didn’t have a house, husband, at least one kid and a dog by 25 then I was damaged goods (some guy on a plane actually said those words to me…’girl, you’re damaged goods). That my worth was tied to my relationship with a man and what material goods I could collect.

And I believed all of it!

I remember talking about life balance in college and in my early years of working and wondering why I didn’t have it. Cause to have all your ducks in a row and look good doing it you had to have balance, right?  Like balance was a thing that just happens. Like balance is a thing that is magically bestowed upon you.

If you have ever done balancing poses in yoga, then you know balance doesn’t just happen. The people who tend to have the best balance in class make balance a practice. That means they do it repeatedly and get good at it. Balance isn’t an accident.

Why yes, I did take this photo just for this post in my PJ's.

 Just keeping it real, y'all!

Do I get bonus picture points for Maizey doing

 downward dog in the background?

One of the big skills I’m learning right now, in my mid-thirties, is how to set boundaries. Man, I wish someone had told me about healthy boundaries when I was in high school! I believe it is the single biggest thing I could have done to prevent stress.

Much like balance, boundaries are a practice. Boundaries also take work to set an maintain. It’s not like a boundary is taping a sign to yourself that says ‘I do not go out after 7pm on week nights’, and then everyone sees and is like ‘ok, cool’.

There will always be things to do and people asking me to do them. It’s within my right to say no and choose what is better.

Dear Reader, in the event you are also interested in learning about boundaries, my counselor recommended an awesome book that I would also highly recommend (even though I’m only part way through it): Boundaries by Townsend and Clouds

In Luke 10:42, the better thing that Mary is choosing is the word of God. Mary Is choosing Jesus over expectations of the world and of other people.

I have only been a Christian for about three and a half years. I have spent about two and a half years of that time struggling with health issues. I see how God is using this time to unwind all my previous misconceptions of what was required of me. I don’t have to be independent and highly productive and ‘perfect’. I’m not damaged goods because I got married at 32. My worth is not tied to my marital status or the expectations placed on me.

My worth is tied to God and who He created me to be for the good works He has prepared for me.

It is so humbling to look back on where I was and where I am now. That Jesus, the good shepherd, would leave the 99 sheep to pursue me. And not only did He pursue me, but He would and love me right where I was at, even though I was a sinner and had not yet placed my faith in Him. That I was worth so much to Him that He would give His life for me.

Jesus gave His life willingly for me, and loves me even though:

•       I can no longer hold a job
•        I don’t have energy anymore
•        My hair is falling out
•        My hormones are messed up
•        My digestive tract is messed up
•        I get irritable when I don’t sleep
•       I can no longer do what the world expects
•       Etc.

He loves me for me, right where I’m at. My worth comes from being a daughter of God, not from my physical condition, and not from meeting expectations of the world.

To finally be at a place where I know that logically AND emotionally/spiritually is priceless. It also allows me to feel a tremendous amount of freedom, because I can reject the expectations of the world/other people and really embrace the expectations God has for me.

The freedom that is given by God allows me to choose what is better.

And you know what?

    It will not be taken away from me.

Faith for the Journey: Cherries

This experience occurred on July 5, 2018. I wrote it down a few days later.

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The neighborhood in which I live has a pool at the center of it, and around the pool there are different kinds of fruit trees that have been planted.

About a week ago while walking the dogs I noticed that the cherry trees were bearing fruit, and I picked a few to eat as we walked by. The cherries were bitter tasting, not ones you’d want to go and pick more of.

Later that night, out of curiosity, I consulted google about bitter cherries. To my surprise, I found that there are several varieties of sour cherries, and that the cherry trees in our neighborhood were indeed of the sour variety.

I then did what any other food loving person would do: I researched how one could bake with sour cherries.

I found a few great recipes, but one stuck out. I had found a recipe for a sour cherry clafoutis, which is kind of like a fruity quiche/custard. I told my husband that the next day we needed to go and pick a bunch of cherries. We noticed that there were a bunch of cherries that weren’t ripe yet, but would be ripe after several days.

We came back with about 5 pounds of cherries and I made the sour cherry clafoutis, and it was amazing!

Knowing that there would be more cherries that would ripen, I waited several days to go back.

As I approached the trees for my second round of picking, I noticed how heavy the branches were with fruit, and how the bright red cherries contrast so nicely with the dark green leaves.

I thought to myself ‘Oh, to bear spiritual fruit like that!’

What would it be like to abide in Jesus so deeply, that spiritual fruit would hang in glorious abundance?

As I picked, there were other thoughts:

‘look how plentifully He provides!’

‘I have so many cherries, what will I do with them all?’

‘There are so many more cherries I’m not picking….I’ll have to come back another day to pick more’

‘With such a bountiful harvest, wouldn’t it be great to share with others instead of hoarding all these cherries for myself? Will they not create more joy when shared vs stored in my freezer?’

I returned home with all the cherries I could carry.

The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

At the time, I was in the middle of a health crisis and couldn’t fathom how one could experience all the fruits of the spirit when you are experiencing trials. Specifically joy. James talks about rejoicing when you experience trials of any kind, but I had no idea how to do that.

I wasn’t sure I even really understood what Joy was in the Christian sense, so I googled it. I ended up finding a short, 6 part series by John Piper where he defines joy, and talks about other facets of joy, including thoughts about joy in suffering.

The videos gave me a new way to view the trial that I was in, and that helped me to be receptive to future teachings that would experience.

Faith for the Journey: Ripples

This experience occurred on June 4, 2018. I wrote it down a few weeks later. I didn’t know it then, but this would be the foundation for many teachings that would come over the next few months.

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Sometimes being a step-parent is hard. 

Sometimes it’s hard AND painful.

Step-parent pain was the place I found myself in on a Monday morning. When you have truly adopted a child in your heart, sometimes the reminders that they are not yours, and will never be, cause a deep ache.

I was taking my stepdaughter and her friend to target that morning after a sleepover, and I knew I needed to hear from Jesus. On the way back home, I took a detour to a natural area with ponds. I don’t remember if I went with a question, or just with a pain in my heart.

It was a beautiful day; the sky was clear and bright blue. I parked my Jeep and walked the crunchy gravel path to the closest pond.  There was a slight breeze, which tousled the leaves of the trees, creating an intermittent rustling noise. Upon arriving at the water, I felt prompted to take my shoes off and walk around in the water.

Walking around in the water is not something I normally do if I’m not going swimming. Your feet get wet, then sand and dirt sticks to your feet and you have no way to wipe them off because there’s no towel. The worst part is you then you have to put your shows back on with sandy feet. It’s really not my thing.

But then there was the persistent tug: take your shoes off…walk in the water.

I thought to myself ‘why not’? If this is the Holy Spirit talking to me, I would like to be obedient. If it’s not, well, sandy shoes aren’t the worst thing to happen in life.

So, I slipped my Keens off, put down my purse and ventured out into the water. I walked back and forth a bit on the shore, noticing the way the shadows of the trees didn’t just sit on the surface of the water, the shadows went to the surface on which I was walking.

After a minute or two I walked out of the water, sat down, and looked up. No longer focusing on the shadows where my feet had been, I looked out across the pond and saw that the ripples created by my walking along the shore had reached the other side of the pond.

Then this realization hit me: when we walk with Jesus, we create ripples! Ripples that others can see!

Just as soon as the realization had crossed my mind, two fish in the middle of the pond came up to the surface and created ripples of their own. Without thinking, I jumped to my feet and started stomping wildly so that the ripples they made wouldn’t get to the shore on which I was sitting. It took a lot of stomping to diffuse the fish ripples.

The next realization came: when we stop walking with Jesus, ripples from other things or people are more likely to get to us and affect us. At that point, we have to work much harder in our walk to not be affected.

Seeing that the fish were active, I stayed in the water, walking in place. The ripples I created were consistent this time because I kept my feet moving. This time when the fish surfaced, the ripples they created were diffused farther away from the shore on which I was walking because I was continuously sending out ripples.

Then came the final realization: when we walk with Jesus consistently, things of the world don’t affect us as much, because being with Him creates ripples that are stronger than those of the world.

Phase 2, week 3 of treatment

I tried to split this post into three sections- insights from the last week, background, and a summary of each day. If you are a friend or family member, I’d recommend sticking with the background and insights. If you’re someone who is having digestive issues, or is wondering what treatment might be like, I’d recommend reading everything.

This post is for informational purposes only and is not intended to treat or diagnose anyone. Go see a doctor for diagnosis and treatment.

 Also, my brain fog is pretty intense at times. I try to make sure what I write is correct, but I may get things wrong from time to time.

Insights from the last week:

 I have not slept well this week, so my adrenal fatigue symptoms are getting worse again. I looked into Xifaxan side effects, and trouble sleeping appears to be one of them. For lack of a better term, I feel caffeinated, especially in the evenings. Another Xifaxan side effect I had was feeling off-balance/lightheaded. That symptom faded over time, but did show up again one day this week when I was feeling particularly fatigued.

On days I’m feeling fatigued, it’s really nice to just have meals that are ready to eat. I’ve decided that if there is a day I feel decent it would be beneficial to cook something in bulk.

I bought the Monash University FODMAP app this week, and I wish I would have just spent the $8 sooner. I didn’t realize that food serving sizes are necessary in determining if something is high FODMAP or not. A serving of a particular veggie might be fine at 1/3 c, but at ½ c becomes high FODMAP. I was really frustrated with not knowing about that.

I also got a squatty potty this week on sale. I forgot to update about it on the daily posts, but I have found that it really helps have more comfortable and faster bowel movements (especially for someone that tends towards constipation).

In the continuing battle to get to sleep/sleep better/sleep more, I discovered bed time stories for adults on you tube. This has been a great find for me, and I do think it helps me fall asleep faster than I would on my own.

From day 21:

 In listening to the bedtime stories, I learned something about focus that relates to my life in general. As I listen, my mind sometimes wanders and fixates on something- a conversation from earlier in the day, what needs to be done tomorrow, conversations I need to have, etc.
When I realize that my mind has drifted, it is possible for me to choose to continue with where my mind wants to go, or to return my focus to the story. Sometimes I choose to refocus on the story, and I can stay there. Most of the time I choose to focus on the story, and my mind drifts back to what I was thinking about again and again and again. Each time I realize the drift has happened, I can choose to refocus on the story.

I have a whole set of blog posts planned about the faith aspect of this journey that I haven’t finished yet. They are separate posts because that’s how I’ve operated the last few months- I focus on the physical, then I focus on the spiritual. Sometimes I spend more time focusing on the physical than I would like. I do need to be aware of the symptoms I am experiencing, but obsessing about them isn’t helpful. Being aware of the food I’m eating is necessary, but beating myself up for making a food mistake isn’t helpful.
Jesus once told his disciples: "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. John 4:34 NIV
Truly, it is spiritual sustenance that is keeping me going at this time.
Today I even moved on from ‘just keeping going’ to the type of sincere gratitude that makes you emotional all day. God has been SO GOOD to us, I can see and feel how in all things He has been/is working for the good of those who love Him, and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

  

Background:

This particular bout of health issues flared in 2015. My job had become extremely stressful and travel intensive, in conjunction with some major life changes: moving in with my boyfriend, becoming a Christian, getting married 2 weeks after being proposed to, becoming a step parent, then planning a wedding reception for the following summer.

 In 2016, I was finding I could no longer work full days, and my hair was falling out. When I felt that work was finally slow enough to go to the doctor, I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and told to take a month off of work to rest. HA! It didn’t seem possible at that point. However, I did take 2 weeks off then go back at half time in May of 2016. Over the summer I was able to do less and less, and I finally ended up quitting my job in October 2016.

Between October 2016 and June 2018 I had the opportunity to learn how to rest and was able to work on a treatment plan for adrenal fatigue. I was feeling like I was making good progress in the first 3-4 months of 2018. Looking back now, I can see where I was sliding back a bit in April and May. In June, I experienced an extreme energy crash that left me looking for answers, since I didn’t think I had done anything significantly different than I had previously. In the beginning of July 2018, I went and saw a functional medicine doctor who ran a bunch of tests up front to figure out what other things might be wrong with me.

As mentioned in my post about the results from the last visit, my test results show that I have a yeast overgrowth, a parasite, SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), and gut dysbiosis.
Previous test results indicated I have low stomach acid, nutritional deficiencies, and hormone imbalances with the adrenal glands, ovaries, and thyroid.

I have been on supplements for the hormone imbalances (previously diagnosed as adrenal fatigue) for a while. They started with my previous doctor. The new doctor is continuing to work on those issues, but with different supplements.

I started the third week of my 4 phase, 10 week treatment plan on September 17th, 2018. Phase 1 will work on the yeast, phase 2 will work on SIBO, phase 3 will work on SIBO and the parasite, and phase 4 will continue with the SIBO. The supplements for everything else will continue through the whole treatment period. This week was all phase 2.

I currently take 11 different supplements throughout the day. One is a phase specific treatment pill. Three are for the hormone imbalances, 3 are for nutritional deficiencies, and 4 are for digestive support.

Day 15

At this point, I’m sure one of the Xifaxan side effects I have is trouble sleeping. It is starting to kick my butt. It’s about 9:30 pm right now and I feel a bit like a zombie- fatigued, but not very sleepy.

I think the off balance/light headedness is either starting to fade, or I’m getting used to it.

I’m not as hungry as when I first started taking Xifaxan, so that side effect has also faded.

I’m still irritable most days, but I don’t know if that’s a direct side effect, or if it’s more related to not sleeping.

While I slept 8 hours last night, I’ve been getting 5-6 hours for the last several days before that, and I’m not caught up at all.

It took me a long time to get motivated to get going today. I needed to run a few quick errands then make a few batches of soup for this week. I also needed to make dinner for some friends we had over. Even though I was feeling fatigued, once I got going I was able to keep going.

We don’t have my step daughter this week, and my husband is going out of town for a few days, so I’ll have 2 whole days where I will have the house all to myself. I really like days home alone when I’m not sleeping well, because it’s much more quiet and there’s less going on. The less sleep I get, the more irritable I get. The more irritable I get, the less I can handle extra activity and noise.

 I also don’t have to cook for other people. While I do like cooking, I also like leftovers. Like, I can eat left overs almost indefinitely. My family, on the other hand, can only eat the same meal 2-3 times before they refuse to eat any more of it. Between the soup and the dinner I made today, I probably wont have to cook until next week.

Day 16

I finally slept a little longer last night, something between 8 and 9 hours.  Still not caught up on sleep, and feeling pretty fatigued today. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about cooking the rest of the week. If the trend of not getting enough sleep continues, I’ll very likely be non-functional by the end of the week.

I’m still having daily bowel movements, though the last few were a Bristol scale 2-3, so towards the constipated side. I’m still glad things are moving and not just hanging out in my intestines.

I was going to try and go to a yoga class today at noon, but seeing as I now have 4 minutes to get there, that’s not going to happen.

I rested most of the day and felt a little better in the evening.

For several weeks now, I’ve been trying to make sure I take my treatment pills with my meals. The current treatment pill itself doesn’t need to be taken with food, but I know if I take all my supplements on an empty stomach I’ll feel nauseous. 

It made for some strange meal times if I happened to wake up late. I finally gave up trying to take the treatment pills at meal times. I’m shooting for taking them at 9am, 2pm, and 7pm. I set phone alarms to remind me.

I had some really strong food cravings this evening and I’m blaming it on PMS. I may or may not have had a few tortilla chips and a few cookies. It was all low FODMAP, but not paleo. I very nearly walked to the store and bought some potato chips, because crispy and salty sounds AMAZING. Thus far I have resisted, but not sure how long I can hold out.

I was super tired in the evening, but when I laid down to go to sleep my mind was running rampant due to a phone call I received. Sometimes when my mind won’t shut off, I imagine myself getting dressed, walking to the store, buying something, then coming back home. Normally this is so mundane I end up falling asleep partway through. But not tonight. I would make it from my room to my closet before my mind would wander off again. I started the exercise 5-6 times before I finally gave up.  After laying there a few hours, I happened to think of a girl I used to work with who told me she would listen to podcasts to help her fall asleep. I didn’t feel like searching for a podcast, so I looked on you tube for some sort of sleep aid. I found I few hour long videos that were stories for falling asleep. Here’s the one I listened to.

The narrators voice was enough to keep my mind loosely engaged on the story, and to keep it from running amok. I’m not sure how long I listened, but it feels like I got about halfway through.

Day 17

I slept a little longer last night, but didn’t feel rested upon waking. I ended up finding out later in the evening yesterday that I needed to run several errands today, and ended up having two visitors. 

The last few weeks more than 2 things per day tends to max out my capacity, so this felt like a test.

I had a friend drop by quickly in the morning to drop off some things. I then needed to box and print postage for 2 of my husband’s amazon orders. I don’t do this very often, so it takes 4 times longer than it needs to. I then needed to ship out the orders and go to the subway nearby to grab sandwich for my daughter since I was picking her up from school to have lunch together. After subway, I stopped by Macy’s to pick up my daughter’s homecoming dress, then went to her school to pick her up. She wasn’t feeling well, so she ended up coming home with me for a few hours to rest before I needed to take her back to school for cheer practice. When I got home I walked and fed the dogs right away because a storm was blowing in. About an hour after that, another friend came over for the evening.

While it is good to know I could manage everything, it definitely maxed my capacity. I don’t think it would have been possible earlier in the week when I was only sleeping ~6 hours per night.

My cycle started yesterday, and it was close to the predicted start date in my period tracker app. This is always good news for me; I used to have 40-60 day cycles. Now my cycles are more regular and occur approximately every 31 days. I hope this means that my hormones are in a better place than they were a few years back.

Since listening to a sleep story last night worked pretty well, I looked for another one and found a video that was based on Psalm 23.

I was physically uncomfortable last night, so it feels like I listened longer tonight than the night before. I do feel like these videos are helpful, so I will try to continue with them.

Day 18

I slept about 8 hours again last night, but am still waking up tired.  As I mentioned previously, the off balance feeling is gone, so the most noticeable symptom of the Xifaxan at this point is trouble sleeping.

My bowel movements are still happening daily, and are typically a 2 on the Bristol scale. There were a few days I haven’t had as much water, so I’m wondering if that might be the cause for the scale score.

I tried to be smarter with outstanding chores today. I had a few phone calls I needed to make, so while I made them I worked on a large pile of dishes from a few days ago, and watered all the indoor plants. Talking on the phone seemed to help overcome my chore inertia.

My husband had been gone on a business trip the last few days, but came home around lunch. I had a few other errands that had piled up over the week, so we went and ran a few hours of errands this afternoon. We headed back home around 5pm, and I was feeling pretty fatigued at that point.

It’s about 8pm now, and feel mentally and physically exhausted, but not sleepy tired.

I will be so glad when I’m off these pills and get rid of the caffeinated feeling! I’ve got about one more week to go before I switch to the metronidazole. I'm hoping It won't make me feel caffeinated!

One thing I realized yesterday is that if there are any days that I feel half way decent, I should be cooking something in bulk. I did make a small batch of muffins yesterday just to try them. I liked them, so the next time I feel ok I’ll make a double batch and freeze them.

Speaking of freezing things, I could have made more soup either yesterday or today, but I have no more of my preferred storage containers-  Ball wide mouth quart size jars.  I was able to get a dozen more jars today, so the next time I feel good I’ll be able to make another batch of soup.

Given the up and down nature of my energy levels, I still think one of the best things I can do for myself is to continue to cook in bulk when I can so I have the right kind of food to eat when I’m feeling tired.

Day 19

The fatigue is getting worse. It’s especially bad in the morning, but I start to feel more normal after 5 pm. I’m still trying to use the adult bedtime stories to fall asleep. They help to a degree, but I don’t know how much I can fight the side effect with other things.

I felt off balanced/lightheaded again this morning. I thought that side effect had faded. I was more tired this morning than previous days, so maybe that’s why I felt that way again.

I made two purchases today which may be helpful.
1. I got a squatty potty on clearance from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and was able to use a coupon, so ended up getting it for about $15. I’m excited to try it.

2. I finally paid for the Monash University FODMAP app (https://www.monashfodmap.com/i-have-ibs/get-the-app/). I’ve been increasingly frustrated with doing a google search for every food I might want to eat and decided the $8 was worth it. I haven’t had much time to look into it, but I anticipate it being helpful.

Day 20

I woke up several times last night. I was tired this morning and felt highly fatigued in the afternoon. Started to feel more normal after about 7:30 pm.

I had a chance to look more at the Monash food app today. I’m really frustrated that I didn’t buy it sooner. There have been various recipes I’ve looked at that ID a certain food or recipe as high or low FODMAP, but the designation really isn’t that straightforward. Most foods listed in the app have a volume at which the food contains moderate to high FODMAPs. The app also identifies which type of FODMAP/s that a particular food has. 

A few weeks back I found a recipe for zuchinni soup that was supposed to be low FODMAP. Well, it turns out Zuchinni is ok in a 1/3 c serving, but has moderate FODMAP content at ½ c. I have been eating large amounts of this soup multiple times a day. Since the soup is blended, I have no way to know how much Zuchinni I’ve been eating per serving. Unfortunately, Zuchinni is high in the one fodmap I have the most issues with: oligos-fructans.

I really wish I would have known about the app, bought it, and gotten used to low FODMAP eating BEFOREEEE I started the treatment plan. Thinking back on what I’ve been eating, I really haven’t been doing a great job at eating low FODMAP the last few weeks.

Who knows how much this will affect my treatment plan. As far as I can tell, treating SIBO is still an evolving sciencec. There are a few different diet recommendations that people with SIBO can follow, and low FODMAP is just one of them. I had previously read that some people try and eat FODMAPs while on antibiotics to activate the bacteria so that they are active enough to be killed off. Honestly, there probably is no one-size-fits all treatment or diet. Every body is different.

 I tried a stir fry recipe tonight trying to follow vegetable amounts from the app, and something in it caused symptoms. Maybe because I ate too much at once? I didn’t measure my serving size, but I was pretty sure it was all within limits. The only thing not in the app that I added were sweet potato glass noodles. Sweet potatoes are ok in smaller amounts, but the noodles were processed so they may have been different. I’m feeling discouraged.

Day 21

I woke up around 2 am with stomach cramps, which is the first time that’s ever happened. I’m assuming that was caused by something I ate for dinner yesterday. Eventually went back to sleep and woke up again around 9 am. Even though I feel like I slept enough overall, waking up is hard and mornings are slow.

This morning I needed to move a little faster to make it to our 10 am church service. Sometimes having a little motivation is helpful!

I felt pretty fatigued in the afternoon for a few hours, but was able to get some chores done later in the evening.

I’m still feeling wired/tired around bed time, and am trying to use some sort of adult bedtime story to help my mind calm down enough to sleep.

In listening to the bedtime stories, I learned something about focus that relates to my life in general. As I listen, my mind sometimes wanders and fixates on something- a conversation from earlier in the day, what needs to be done tomorrow, conversations I need to have, etc.

When I realize that my mind has drifted, it is possible for me to choose to continue with where my mind wants to go, or to return my focus to the story. Sometimes I choose to refocus on the story, and I can stay there. Most of the time I choose to focus on the story, and my mind drifts back to what I was thinking about again and again and again. Each time I realize the drift has happened, I can choose to refocus on the story.

I have a whole set of blog posts planned about the faith aspect of this journey that I haven’t finished yet. They are separate posts because that’s how I’ve operated the last few months- I focus on the physical, then I focus on the spiritual. Sometimes I spend more time focusing on the physical than I would like. I do need to be aware of the symptoms I am experiencing, but obsessing about them isn’t helpful. Being aware of the food I’m eating is necessary, but beating myself up for making a food mistake isn’t helpful.

Jesus once told his disciples: "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. John 4:34 NIV

Truly, it is spiritual sustenance that is keeping me going at this time.

Today I even moved on from ‘just keeping going’ to the type of sincere gratitude that makes you emotional all day. God has been SO GOOD to us, and I can see and feel how in all things He has been/is working for the good of those who love Him, and have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Starting Somewhere

Originally written 9/24/16

I don't know where to begin with explaining where I am.

Perhaps I'll start with the fact that after about 9.5 years, I just recently gave my employer my two week resignation notice due to health reasons.

In July 2015, while in town for my sister's bridal shower, my mom had commented that my hair was looking a little thin.  At the time, I hadn't really noticed.  Suddenly, I found myself staring at other women's heads in an attempt to ascertain if my hair was actually thinner than an average women my age.  I came to the conclusion it was.

At the time, I juggling the equivalent of 3-4 roles in my company, traveling every few weeks, and navigating relationships with people who would eventually become my husband and step daughter. I was maxed out and anxious. I didn't really have time to think about my hair being thin, or what it implied. 

Summer 2015 turned to fall.  Paul and I were engaged in early October, and married two weeks later. we both were traveling right before and after our marriage. We barely saw each other that first month as husband and wife.

Work continued to be stressful. The holidays happened in a blur.  

In late December/ early January, I felt the need to put on a multi day training for the new hires at work.  I was so overloaded with client deadlines that the training was designed, written, and scheduled almost entirely by me, and almost completely on weekends.  I essentially worked for an entire month straight.

I had gotten really good at doing what needed to be done for everyone else but myself.

The week after training, when I had some time to breath, was when I started to notice that things were going downhill. My hair loss seemed to be increasing.  I was abnormally tired.

I went to the doctor.  

We did some tests and discovered I had adrenal fatigue. The stress I had been under had maxed out my little adrenal glands, and they weren't working quite right anymore.  I found out, when you have adrenal fatigue, there are lots of things that don't work right anymore.

I couldn't work 8 hour days anymore.  I was using my flex time and vacation time to lessen the number of hours I was at work each day.

My Dr. told me to take time off work, then start working reduced hours. I did.

The time off was interesting.  I had weird symptoms pop up when I stopped working.  Heart palpitations, fluttering in my throat, waking up in a panic.  Sometimes it felt like I was being lightly choked.  The symptoms lessened over time, but were still disconcerting.

Going back at half time seemed like something I could manage. I got an office outside of my house to deal with some of the stress I was experiencing.  It helped for a while.

The summer  of 2016 had it's challenges and heartaches. We had a family tragedy in July.  My beloved dog Claire battled cancer for a month, with me as her hospice nurse. She finally had to be put to sleep in early September.

At this point it doesn't matter where stress comes from, whether it's work or home. Any stress from any where effects everything. 

I've come to the point where I feel like I am barely functioning on most days.  Sometimes I can only complete one thing well - making breakfast lets say-  and after that I'm spent. Oh I do things the rest of the day, like go to work, but I function like a zombie.

Which is how I got to the point of leaving work.

The best medicine for adrenal fatigue is rest, and that's what I plan to do.

I was reading the Bible the other day, and Matthew 10:39 jumped out at me:

"If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it."

And all of a sudden, the verse made perfect sense.  It spoke to me in a way I had never heard before.

I had been clinging to my job, to my sense of pride that I could do it all and then some.
I was clinging to what the world saw as worth.

I remembered what some dear friends had told me repeatedly... that I had worth because I was a child of God, not because of all the stuff I did.

I feel like I'm in the process of being deconstructed. That the life I had clung to is being torn away.

I hold onto Matthew 10:39 as a promise.  A promise that my old life, the one I had created around the world, is passing away.  And in that death, a new life will be constructed for me that is built around God, and I count that as a joy!

A few people have asked me, and I'm sure more will, what I'll do in the future.

Will I go back to my old job?

Find a new one?

Become a permanent housewife?

The honest answer is that I'm not even thinking about it. 

I can only take care of myself one moment at a time, anything else is overwhelming.

I'm choosing to trust God in this deconstruction.  He is calling me to rest. In my Bible reading this morning, Matthew 11:28-30 spoke to me: 

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

And once I read those words, it felt like my whole being sighed and said yesssssss. Please.

So what I will do moment by moment moving forward is:

• rest

• trust that God has a plan for me

• trust that He will provide

 I have no anxiety about that. No indecision, just peace.