Monday, August 30, 2010

Didn't know where to start...

I used to try and keep journals when I was younger. If I skipped a day I felt like I couldn't move forward until I had recapped the day I had missed, and that got to be overwhelming, so I wouldn't write.

Up until recently, I felt like I have sort of been living my life that way..."I'd really like to go and take a walk...but maybe I should put the dishes in the dishwasher, and go to Home Depot, and maybe grocery shop for the week..."

I couldn't move forward with living until I had gotten all of these chores, these things that one is SUPPOSED to do, out of the way.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reading some psychology books, and trying to figure out why I get so hung up on those things one is SUPPOSED to do.

I found answer in the approval chapter in Dr. Dyers 'Your Erroneous Zones'.

As much as I told myself I didn't care what anyone else was a lie. I try not to make a habit of lying to myself. Actually, I feel I'm pretty self aware (most of the time).

All of the racing to get the house in order, and keep the dishes tamed, and checking things off of the giant checklist of life- all of that wasn't for me. Maybe some of it was, but for the most part I felt like by doing all those things I was some how gaining the approval of...I don't even really know who.

I'm making progress in retraining myself to not require approval for everything I do, but it's been a little difficult.

So tonight I blog, not because somehow it will rejuvenate the writing skills that have been dormant for so long and somehow please my freshman English teacher, but because part of me needs to be creative, and enjoys writing, and reading, and sharing ideas.

I don't need to recap the last year in order to just pick up where I left off. I'll just write what I feel like writing, because that's enough.