Nebulous Thoughts

I want to dance barefoot on the grass
have the wind carry my laughter
to a place where it is needed

I would climb the apple tree again
just for the thrill
to pick a sour apple

My mind is flying everywhere
so many thoughts
which to snatch and ponder?


I saw photos of the universe
from the hubble telescope
so much wonder

How do we come...
from hydrogen clouds and dying stars?

Unimaginably big, the gorgeous universe
and me, so tiny

My mind is a nebula
forming melodic stars
from time to time

The longing to create
is my connection, my song

How do we come...
from hydrogen clouds and dying stars?

A circle that's not so vicious

I don't recall if I have blogged about feeling 'disconnected' to the universe. If not, the past several months I have felt the disconnect.

In Brian Fround's Fairy Card deck, the card Ekstasis represents the 'song' that fills the universe. It is a feeling of ecstasy and universal energy. It is this song that joins all of us and everything in the world together.
The concept of the Ekstasis card resonates with me. When I feel connected, it's like I can feel and hear a humming or vibration, which I assume is caused by being tuned in to the frequency of the Ekstasis energy. When I am disconnected, there is nothing.

When I first moved to Colorado, I was grateful. Grateful to have a job, grateful to those who had helped me along the way, and grateful to the universe and the powers that be, whatever name you may call them by.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped being grateful. It was wierd though...before, the feeling of being grateful was like a vibration in my being, it was something nearly physical. Later, the matter of bring grateful was cerebral...there was no longer a vibration associated with the 'feeling'.

The loss of the grateful vibration also signaled the loss of my connection to the universe.

I have struggled with how to get the connection back in the past few months, and nothing has worked consistently.

Last night, I went out with 4 good friends of mine. We started off having martinis, ate sushi, bar hopped a bit, and danced a little. It was such a great experience, and soooo much fun.

I realized today that I started to hear/feel the humming again, that my connection was returning.

I started to analyze why that was- here is what I came up with:

I have thought for a while that the meaning of life has to do with the relationships we have with one another. What is life but a series of interactions with others?
I started to realize that my interactions with quality people, people whose company I enjoy, has been severly limited the past few months due to traveling and my own hermit-ish-ness. This somehow adversly affects my connection to the universe.
Being around people I truely enjoy has somehow corrected my connection.

I used to be fairly stressed about my job performance and the amount of time it took to do things. I think the stress actually caused me to perform poorly and add time because I was constantly worried about it. At some point, I adopted the attitude that things will get done when they get done and that's that. Hurrying to finish will only make things worse, so just take the time to do things right.

Those are the two major thoughts I had anyway...I'm sure there are more little things.

With the connection to the universe returning, so is the vibrational gratitude.

So, in my moment of reclaimed gratitiude, I want to thank my friends for sticking by me. I know it's hard to keep up with my travel schedule, and I appreciate the effort y'all take in working with me. Thank you for helping me to reconnect to Ekstasis.

As I typed those words, the song became louder and stronger within me. And so begins the circle. A circle that is not so vicious.

I should be sleeping/ selected notes from the road- Fl, TX

I've been out on jobs for the compnay the last week and 5 days. I'm on the last day of the last job, which has been an overnighter. I didn't get to sleep until 7am this morning and woke up at 1pm. I called a few people hoping if I laid in bed long enough and did something relaxing I would fall back asleep. NOPE! So I got up and decided to do some work that I needed to do, hoping that at some point I will get some more sleep before I meet the guys at 8pm.

It's been one hell of a trip thus far. Here are some highlights:

On my connecting flight to Florida, I sat next to a civil engineer that insisted on talking to me. Or, talking at me is how I should say it. Towards the end of the trip he told me his wife was going to pick him up at the airport with his dogs. I asked if he had kids, he said no. He asked if I had kids I said no, and I didn't think I wanted any. He asked if I was married, I said I probably didn't want to get married either.
He looked at me and said this: "Girl, you're damaged goods!"

I don't remember much else of the conversation, except I was mildly amused, bewilidered and irritated. I was left wondering if that man thought if I was a lesbian.

I have been thinking alot about that comment, but more on that later.

Florida was also an overnight job. It was kind of horrible. I dont really want to get into it- want to forget!

After Florida, I flew to Dallas and stayed with my parents for a few days. It was great seeing them. It was also nice to be at "home" instead of a crappy hotel.
I'll get to see them again this weekend before I fly back to Colorado.

My dad let me borrow his corvette to drive to the job site, which is about 2 hours from my parents house. It made me nervous, it's so long and low to the ground. I've really had to becareful going up inclines so I don't scrap the bottom of the car. I miss my Jeep- I can just run over stuff like curbs.

So this job looked like it would go really smoothly. The second night of field work we found out that our field equipment had a major malfunction and we couldn't use it. Luckily our equipment HQ was in Austin, so one of the guys was able to drive down and drop off our equipment, and rent a functioning unit to complete the job. We did the equivalent of two nights of work on Wednesday night- it was ridiculous....I'm still not sure how we did it. Last night we did about 1-1.5 days worth of work. Tonight should be like a normal night. I can't wait to drive back to my parents house tomorrow.

I've learned alot in the past week and 5 days about myself, field work, dealing with other people, and life in general.

I fly back to Colorado sunday night, where one of my most favorite peole will pick me up from the airport:) I can't wait to be home.

I worry about the ferrets when I'm gone. The landlord comes over twice a day to let them out when I'm gone, but I still worry that something will happen with one of them and I wont be around. Egan has a few medical problems, and I want to be there for him if he needs me. Fiona just likes to get into crap and find strange places to hide, so that concerns me when I'm gone.


I plan on spending a decent amount of time at home while I'm there....it looks like I'll only be home for two weeks, then I'll be off on field jobs again.

I plan on going to the farmers market on Tuesday after I get back. I'm so sick of eating resturant and fast food. I feel like I need a major detox. I think about how much grease I've eaten and it grosses me out. Blechhoihafihah.

So about how I'm damaged goods....I've decided I'm not like the majority of the population. I don't need kids just because thats what you're supposed if you're a woman. I babysat my bosses kid a few weekends ago for a few days. I like spending time with him, but I dont think I want one of my own. I like to take off and do things spontaneously. I don't want to wait half an hour because the little person wants to wear a certain pair of shoes and will have a fit if he cant wear them. I don't want to constantly have to cater to a little person you can't reason with. More importantly, I don't want to be away from this little person for weeks at a time, it's hard enough being away from the ferrets. I don't want to have to worry about this little person that I would love more than myself(!) when I'm away, or just in general- the world seems like such an F'ed up place sometimes. I don't want to bring someone into the world the way it is right now. I know these things about myself.
I don't need to get married. Don't you get taxed when you get married? What kind of shit is that? Sure there are insurance benefits and stuff....but are they all that good? What if the marriage doesn't last? It seems like a bunch of people just get divorced after a few years- what happens to the insurance benefits then? Some one recently said divorce is basically just a financial transaction...why pay to get married then pay to get unmarried? (I know there are other benefits, I'm being cynical)
It seems to me that people come into my life for specific reasons at specific times- what if i just have significant relationships at the time when I need them- what if it's not with one person for the rest of my life?

I'm not saying I will NEVER have kids or get married, but at the moment I dont think those things are in store for me.

I think I'm about done rambling. I'm still not sleepy, which is unfortunate.
I hope y'all will have a good weekend!

random shtuffff

I'm supposed to be finishing packing, instead, I have alot of thoughts going through my mind.

For quite awhile, up until the past two weeks or so,I've just felt off. I decided that alot of that had to do with eating too many foods with carbs and sugars. Some of that had to do with some remnants of crap that I had been working through. During that time, I think I pushed alot of people away, or held them at an arms distance. I cant really say why, other than I guess I just needed to figure some things out by myself.
For the past two weeks or so, I've really made an effort to cut most carbs and sugars out of my diet and start taking my suppliments more regularly. I have noticed a tremndous difference in both my mood and energy. Now that I'm sort of back to myself, I'm starting to realize the people I care about most I pushed away the most. I feel kind of bad about that, but I know that I needed that time to work through some things and heal myself.

I'm bad about telling people how I feel about them. As someone who writes very personal songs and poems, I would think just telling someone how I feel wouldn't be difficult....but it is. I recently told a friend of mine that he was my best friend here, and he was surprised. Quite surprised. He told me that he wouldn't have thought that- he didn't know. I felt bad about that. Here's the person that I care about most in the state, and he doesn't even know.

I think sometimes I get very wrapped up in my own mind, and dont' realize how my actions, or inaction, effects those around me.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm feeling rather mopey at the moment. Maybe it's partially because I'm leaving tomorrow for florida, then Texas, and wont be back for two weeks- and partially because I wish I had more time with the people I care about. It seems like this week went by really fast and between working late and being tired, things just didn't work out like I had hoped.

I need to finish packing now. I'm 95% sure I've got everything, but I like to double check.


There should be new Notes From the Road blogs here in the next few weeks!

I'm rambling. I know that when I wake up I'll have to start the travelilng process. It's not that I'm nervous about it....I guess since I haven't been out in the field for a few months I got used to being at home. I like it here.

Found! Poem at work...

My boss is at a conference and I'm here at the office looking for things to do. I am supposed to be writing a technical paper on my thesis as filler work, so I decided to organize all my thesis info, as it was in a big messy pile.
In my big messy pile, I found a couple of things that didn't belong. On of them was this poem:

This is where I go alone
We started as a tragedy, didn't we?
And we'll end the same
You will stay here
And I will go away

From here I go alone
Start over again
From here I go alone
So far from here
So far from here

I'm bad at dating things I write, but I'm assuming I wrote this poem about this time last year. In about 1 week, I'll have been in Colorado 1 year. I have been reflecting on this quite a bit recently- going over the events that got me here.

I feel like I'm in a good place now....I think of my little half of the duplex as home instead of someplace to keep my stuff when I'm out of town. I recently mulched my little flower garden and lined most of the mulched areas with rocks I've found on various rock hunting trips. I think it looks beautiful, even if only half the flowers from last year survived. I'll plant more.

I have at least 4 friends that I know I can count on and that care about me.
I met one of my very favorite people here- he taught me how to work on my bike and will babysit me when I have to get my wisdom tooth out.
I have a great rock climbing partner that will go have tea with me when I call spontaneously.
The person that I make candy and do crafts with is also Wiccan, and it's great to share those things.
My most laid back friend will pretty much try anything with me- we've been on several hikes and have watched lots of Battle Star Gallactica. He's also very blunt and to the point, which I admire.

My job is awesome! I feel like I'm making a big contribution to my company, and to remedial efforts across the US. I'm excited to help others find contamination so that it can be cleaned up. I see it almost as a spiritual thing, since my beliefs place respect and caring for the Earth high on the totem pole.

TANGENT: I decided that I'm going to make a litter wagon and pull it around with me to downtown loveland and pick shit up. I did a creek cleanup and a park cleanup the weekend before Earth Day, and it just pissed me off how much crap there is on the ground. I walk in and around the downtown area a lot, and I'm always picking stuff up. Not as much as I'd like to, but I still do it.


I lost my train of thought after the tangent....in any case, I've been feeling rather contemplative lately.

Blessed Be!

Hotdog Heaven!

I just have to let y'all know- I have found authentic Chicago style dogs right here in Loveland!
I don't know if words can express how excited I am right now.
When I took my first bite, I think a tear of appreciation actually came to my eye....it was that good. I may have also been experiencing some relief that it was an authenitic Chicago dog and not an wannabe Chicago dog.

Most of you will think I'm nuts, but if you have ever grown up with a specific food then moved to where you can't get that food you probably wont understand.

Thank you, people of Dairy Delite, for serving real Chicago dogs!

Good Day

It's been a while since I've felt like writing!

Today was really a fun and relaxing day. This afternoon I went on a short hike with my friend C. The weather was beautiful today- it was sunny and in the high 50's. There was still snow on parts of the trail which always strikes me as kind of funny. The trail we went to was about half way between here and Estes Park, so after the hike we went up to Estes and poked around for about 45 minuts. On the drive back to Loveland we took the scenic route, which goes through Glen Haven and Drake. In Glen Haven there is a purple house with little wooden butterflies and gazing balls all around. It's pretty much is the last house on the way out of town and it always makes me happy to see it. I need to take a picture of it sometime.

I really enjoy the drive to and from Estes because you must drive through the Big Thompson Canyon. The Big Thompson river flows alongside the road almost the entire way. The posted picture is of the Big Thompson Canyon and River.

On the way down the canyon, we stopped by a store that sells mostly cherry products. They had different types of cider, jellies, jams, salsas, and a variety of other foods. I ended up with some apple butter and cherry butter, which means I'll probably be eating alot of toast this week.

Right after you pop out of the canyon, there's the dam store. We stopped there too. The store had $0.99 jerky from several different animals. C decided to buy one of each, which I though was kind of funny. Here's a list of the different kinds:

Buffalo
Pheasant
Venison
Alligator
Kangaroo
Boar
Elk
Ostrich
Antelope

I know that you can make jerky out of pretty much anything...but the variety they had was kind of amazing.

After the dam store, we ran across the higway to a little food shack where we both got a brat. I heart brats. Unfortunatly the place didn't have saur kraut, which is just silly! I don't know how you can sell a brat and not have kraut to put on it.

tangent: there is a great german resturant in town that sells several differnt types of brats. I fully intend to go buy some and grill them some time this summer, after I boil them in beer, of course. I will also have kraut to put on them!

So, after the dam store we stopped at a rock shop that I had not been to yet. They had some neat specimans, but nothing I couldn't live without.

At the very eastern edge of town I saw a place that advertised chicago style hotdogs, which made me very happy. I grew up in Illinois eating those hotdogs, and it was one of the things I missed the most when I moved to Texas. After I take a shower I'm seriously considering going to get a hotdog, assuming the place is still open around 8pm.
Sometimes when I see chicago style hotdogs advertised they aren't really chicago style hotdogs, and it's very sad. I will be a very happy camper if those hotdogs are the real thing!

After we finally got back to my place, C drove back home.

Then I called my friend P in Arizona, who I'm going to go visit Thursday. I'm really looking forward to the trip! Normally I don't really get excited about traveling until I'm driving to the airport, but there is an anticipation build up for this trip. I will definitly have to blog about the trip when I get back.

I'm thinking I'm giong to take a shower then go see if I can get a hot dog...the more I think about it the more it sounds like a good idea!

m