The past two weeks have been crazy busy. I was pretty dang exhausted by the time I got back from Nacogdoches. I mistakenly thought I'd have some time to relax when I returned- it was not the case.
This week promises to be interseting- I had a wine induced conversation on Saturday night that made me realize that I had been making alot of excuses for not doing things. It's amazing how when you have dialouges with yourself you can rationalize ANYTHING and you don't even realize it. It was not until I was questioned about my lack of action that I woke up (this is funny because I fell asleep directly after the conversation).
One of the things I was making excuses for was my music. I had nearly decided to let music go to the background(again)when I really thought about things yesterday.
Writing and playing my own songs is something I have been working towards for 10 years now. I came to the conclusion that I'm a little bit afraid of my music, that it will be consuming and take over everything. Isn't that how good music comes about though?
I have not been writing much since I moved, and I didn't like the open mic I was playing at and I suppose I was discouraged by those things. I let those things become my excuse for not fighting for my art. Normally if I'm not happy with something I will take steps to change it- I attribute my inactivity in this matter to fear.
After I thought about everything that I have been making excuses for and distilled my reasons for inactivity, I found that in every instance that fear was the root cause- fear of consumption, fear of disappointing someone, fear of inadequacy...and I decided I don't want to be someone who is afraid. Fear can inhibit and destroy so much, do I have time to live my life with fear holding me back? I think not.
It was a revelation of sorts.
The first step in changing my reality- tonight I went to 4 or 5 coffee houses in town and asked if I could play periodically. Most of the managers weren't there so I left my new very cool music business card (thanks Rose!) with the employees that were there- we'll see if I get some calls back.
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I had decided on two very important things a few weeks ago, one being that I WILL climb a 14er (14,000 + ft mountain), the second is that I WILL leaern how to ride a motorcylce.
I went hiking at Rocky Mountain National Park with a friend on Saturday, and I realize that I have a long way to go before I can climb a 14er- I can't freaking breath while hiking up inclines! I just have to get used to the elevation and I should be fine- I have great leg strength thanks to roller derby!
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It was dark by the time I left work today- that makes me sad:(
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I have a friend coming over tomorrow to play some music- I'm excited! We always have a lot of fun together and I could use some creative encouragment.
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I feel like something is going to happen soon, like when you wait for the next thunder clap during a storm- you know the thunder will come you just don't know when. In this case, I don't know when or what my thunder will be......
That's probably enough random babbling for now!
3 comments:
i love your business card!
and that photo of you by the river is absolutely gorgeous.
it was great seeing you miss marcy.
i love this post. thanks for sharing all of that. your card is great :) i hope it all works out for you! i would love to hike that mountain!!
are you wearing a bullet proof vest?
lol, I wasn't wearing a bullet proof vest, I had a back pack on over a wierd shirt!
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