Sunday, August 10, 2014

Blank Canvases are Immobilizing

This past year has been difficult for me, for various reasons.
I have made several changes in my life, from diet, to the way I take care of myself, to work responsibilities, and in that process I have been changed.

I suppose when I started all the changes, I figured there were things about my life that would change, but that my fundamental personality would stay they same.

I was wrong.

The problem with fundamental personality shifts is that you retain the memory of who you were before, what you used to do, what you used to like, and how you used to react to things....kind of like program settings.

When you try to apply your old life settings to your current settings it is confusing, and doesn't work out very well.

For example,  since I work from home and don't see other humans during the day, I was alllllll about going out and socializing in the evenings.  It didn't really matter what else was going on in my life, I was up for just about anything at anytime.

Now I find myself starting to avoid  most social situations if there will be more than a handful of people. Sometimes I avoid one on one time too.

It's not that I'm unhappy about avoiding social situations, either.  I'm actually quite pleased about it.  I've been relishing quiet time more and more.  I like hanging out with my dogs and putzing in the yard.

The issue comes when I compare the two settings, I suppose because I don't fully comprehend how I went from one extreme to the other.

In some ways if feels like I'm starting over- now that I understand I don't HAVE to live by my old settings, I can choose something different!

However, I am one of those people that have found blank canvases terrifying, immobilizing. There's so much opportunity  that the choices are overwhelming.

I find myself drifting.

I feel like I need a plan, any sort of plan, to give me some direction.

Compared to where I was a year ago, this is not a bad place to be .

I just don't know how to figure out what to do next.

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