Didn't know where to start...

I used to try and keep journals when I was younger. If I skipped a day I felt like I couldn't move forward until I had recapped the day I had missed, and that got to be overwhelming, so I wouldn't write.

Up until recently, I felt like I have sort of been living my life that way..."I'd really like to go and take a walk...but maybe I should put the dishes in the dishwasher, and go to Home Depot, and maybe grocery shop for the week..."

I couldn't move forward with living until I had gotten all of these chores, these things that one is SUPPOSED to do, out of the way.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and reading some psychology books, and trying to figure out why I get so hung up on those things one is SUPPOSED to do.

I found answer in the approval chapter in Dr. Dyers 'Your Erroneous Zones'.

As much as I told myself I didn't care what anyone else thought...it was a lie. I try not to make a habit of lying to myself. Actually, I feel I'm pretty self aware (most of the time).

All of the racing to get the house in order, and keep the dishes tamed, and checking things off of the giant checklist of life- all of that wasn't for me. Maybe some of it was, but for the most part I felt like by doing all those things I was some how gaining the approval of...I don't even really know who.

I'm making progress in retraining myself to not require approval for everything I do, but it's been a little difficult.

So tonight I blog, not because somehow it will rejuvenate the writing skills that have been dormant for so long and somehow please my freshman English teacher, but because part of me needs to be creative, and enjoys writing, and reading, and sharing ideas.

I don't need to recap the last year in order to just pick up where I left off. I'll just write what I feel like writing, because that's enough.

Heelllooooo

Hello all!

It's been a looong time since I last posted...and I don't even know where to start.

Perhaps I should do a short time line:

Early November- bought house

Thanksgiving- Patrice visited

Mid December- Family visited, home warming party

Late December to Early March- various trips

Late March to April- Raised garden bed construction and starting to plant seeds

April- Lots of yard work

May- Getting estimates for house stuff and getting the house ready for Patrice to move in

Those are the highlights anyway.

When I bought the house, there were quite a few things that were unfinished- some closet doors missing, molding that was never put up, blinds missing, etc.
I'm still trying to finish out getting all the closet doors and blinds up. My handy friend Ken, who was my real estate agent, helped my out with the molding (amongst many other home repair type stuff!).

I figure once I finish up the doors and blinds I wont have much else to do except play in the garden/yard. I can't wait for that time to be here! It was fine doing inside projects when it was cold out, but now that it's warming up I find myself wanting to go frolic outside.

I guess that's it for now.

Questioning main stream relationship crap

I went to a halloween party last night. I got lots of comments on my headdress, which was two cornicopias zip tied together (will post pic at a later date).

One person was telling me how creative it was. Later he told me I'd be a great mom, to which I replied, if I choose to have children.

This started a whole conversation about relationships and children. The people I was talking were older, have been married decades, and have children.

They assured me that there was someone out there for me after I mentioned to them, more than once, that I wasn't concerned by that fact I hadn't met any one yet.

Granted, there have been many times where I have lamented not finding 'the one', but now is defintiely not one of those times.

Actually, when going through the paperwork for my house, I thought about how awesome it was that I didn't need anyone else to sign papers with me- I don't a second set of initials!

I'm in a very self-centered stage of my life right now...I'm glad I dont have to take someone else into consideration when I'm doing things, or thinking about doing them.

I see this stage as a very necessary defining of who I want to be moving forward and what things I will allow in my life. To me, this is a really healty, responisble thing to do.

I think it's a little sad that there is so much emphasis placed on being in a couple.

Frankly, being single effin' rocks right now!!!

I'm sure in the future I will change my mind about that, but currently it is good.

This is not a well developed post, but wanted to have something down so I could remember and ponder further in the future.

What would you say?

I recently read a note on my second cousins facebook page that directed the writer to:

List (20) things you want to say to 20 people. Don't say who they are.

It sounded like something I wanted to try, here it goes:

1. I wrote soooo many songs about you; I consider many of them some of my best

2. I really respect you and value your friendship

3. You must think we're similar but were not. Most of the time you get on my nerves.

4. If I weren't afraid you'd over react and of the drama you'd create, I'd tell you how negative you are and try and help you be more positive.

5. I miss you alot. I wish you lived closer.

6. I think the work you do is amazing. You've helped me so much this past year.

7. We don't talk much, and I wish I could talk to you more. I guess I just don't know what to say. I love and appreciate you.

8. You helped me become creative and goofy. I love you.

9. I realize you didn't want a whole lot to do with me growing up. I still think that's true now. I'll be here for you if you need me.

10. I wish you could have been around when I was growing up in Texas.

11. I wish you could have been around when I was growing up in Texas (repeated on purpose).

12. I'm sorry I was too young to understand what you were going through. I wish I would have talked to you more.

13. I can't believe you made me feel that way. I would have been miserable with you. Most of the things you said were lies, and I don't even know if you knew it. I'm glad we don't talk anymore.

14. I so hope you find what you're looking for, and that you sleep better!

15. You've been a great friend! I miss you when we go too long with out talking.

16. I'm so excited for you! I know you've wanted this for a quite a while! I'll help however I can.

17. Although exacerbating, I'm sort of glad you were lazy- it made me more determined to get on with my life!

18. I'm fascinated by your knowledge. I'm excited to know more and spend more time with you.

19. I'm excited to know you'll be guiding me in this new part of life. Knowing your there to answer questions is awesome.

20. You are so supportive. I don't know why I'm still so guarded. I'm afraid I'll disappoint you somehow.

I suck at telling people how I feel. This seems like a safe way to do it with out being 'too' out there!

Some big changes on the way!

I made an offer on a house!

The seller has signed the contract, but since it's a short sale the offer has to be approved by the bank. The bank should get back to me next week sometime.

Crazy!

I made a website for my business FINALLY! It's not very fancy yet, but it's there. Check it out and let me know what you think. Especially if you have suggestions!

The site is www.spiritedcreationsllc.com .

I adore the guy I'm dating.

Here's a picture:



Scott treats me better than any one I've ever dated. He's awesome. You would all like him very much.

Do you know he's built several miles on the continental divide trail?! Like actually got to decide where the trail went and everything?!?!?!?

I think that's awesome.

I'm going to the renaissance faire tomorrow in Larkspur with some friends of mine. It should be a good time, it's been a few years since I've gone to one.

Last week I started taking a course to enhance and develop my intuitive abilites. I've only been at it a week but I'm starting to notice some improvements.

I'm staying up too late again but I can't help it! I'm excited! I'm not driving tomorrow so maybe I can sleep on the way to the ren faire.

Have a great weekend everyone!

When did I 'grow up'?!

A few days before my 26th birthday, I decided it would be a good idea to look into buying a house. There were several reasons for this, including the tax credit and the sewage that periodically wells up in the down stairs sink.

Anyway, for the last two weeks I've been really gung-ho on looking for houses on the internet. It's all I've been doing after work, and since I normally equate computer research with work it feels like I've been working really long days for the past two weeks.

I didn't realize how hard it was lookng for houses! It seems like everytime I'm remotely interested in something, there is a pending contract. It's a little discouraging and irritating, but I guess that's how the game is played.

When I mentioned to someone recently that I was looking into houses, they said something like 'wow, your a grown up!'

I thought, oh shit! When did this happen?

One of the big reasons I started looking into houses was the tax credit, which equals money. I have tried hard not to let money be a main focus in my life.

I work hard, I get paid, I pay my bills, there's money left over for some fun stuff- I'm good with that. It was never a goal of mine to be a millionaire or anything. I really just want to be able to take care of myself.

Since I've moved to Colorado, I have vehemently said that I didn't need or want to buy a house of my own. I was also traveling quite frequently and felt like I would have to do everything alone. Both of those situations have changed.

I have neglected all sorts of relationships and life tasks the past two weeks while I was consumed with house hunting and I'm rather disgusted with myself for it.

I am someone who is very sensitive to outside energies, and sometimes it feels like I'm tapping into other energies when it comes to the whole house thing.

I don't need to own a house. A house wont comfort you when your down, or hold your hand or go on a hike with you. There isn't much of a relationship with a building.

While I believe buildings can have their own spirits and energies, it is not a replacement for a human connection.

I'm afraid getting too wrapped up in this and am loosing sight of the things that are truly important. At the moment this is completely evident to me. Sometimes it is not.

It's time for me to take a step back-from everything- and prioritize. This process can be greatly facilitated by keeping events in a day book and sticking to it- I know in the past it's been one of the only ways to keep myself straight and sane.

For me,it's always good to write these sorts of thougts out, it's helps to solidify my intentions.

Have a fabulous weekend everybody!

Quick Update

I realized I haven't blogged in a while!

Here's some random mind spew:

Beltania was AWESOME- 3 day pagan festival (it deserves it's own blog at some point!)

I got a reading done a while back that helped explain some of the trust issues I have. Apparently it's mostly past life stuff that I have to work through. Beltania helped me start to heal trust of community.

I was given lilacs last night...they are wonderful and purple and smell oh so nice.

I'm starting to get more creative again.

I'm coming out of a couple month funk ( :) )

Belly dancing is fun.

As of tomorrow at 4 a.m. (May 14th), I'll have been living in Colorado for 2 years!

Not all people play mind games (intentional or unintentional), and I have to learn to stop anticipating peoples reaction's to the things I do or say.

Lunch was really yummy- pasta primavera made with quinoa noodles....mmmmm

And now I have to get back to work!

Light and love to you all :)