Thursday, December 11, 2014

Set Backs and Such

I had a panic attack today, which is kind of funny because I have been telling people in recent weeks that, yeah, I had anxiety once that was debilitating!  But I'm over it now.

Apparently I'm not as over it as I thought.

I have been careful in the last year not to overwhelm myself with too many activities, and be busy more than a few days in a row. However, I have a tendency, when I start feeling better, to push faster than is wise....and it always catches up with me.

I imagine this panic attack has been brewing for about a week, I've been way busier than normal, I haven't been eating quite as well, and the new responsibilities I've taken on at work are starting to feel a little heavy. I've been more reactive with my coworkers, and nit picky details have worn me down.

I'm not sure exactly what the trigger was this afternoon, but I started to feel panicky.  It may have been all the work I need to finish by the end of the day, and all of the things I needed to accomplish tonight to prepare for a trip this weekend. I remember thinking about how my boyfriend had asked me to go to his neighborhood HOA meeting since he couldn't be there, and that I was planning to go, but with all the other things going on it seemed like that HOA meeting would prevent me from getting everything done.  In my mind, I was letting my bf down big time by not having the capacity to go to the HOA meeting, I had just found I let some things slip at work, and I lost it.

I called the bf and left him a nearly hysterical message about how I was overwhelmed, and that I was sorry, but I wouldn't make the HOA meeting.  This was approximately 8 minutes before a client meeting.

After hanging up, I cried, hyperventilated, and generally panicked. I then pulled myself together enough to sit on a web conference.

The bf called a few hours later, and I tearfully walked him through what was going on.

I think the most upsetting thing about the whole episode is that I had said to myself 'I am never going back' ...not going back to the stress, anxiety, unhealthy habits, etc.

I have forgotten how disastrous panic attacks are to ones day... I couldn't concentrate afterwards, I felt scattered and exhausted. I felt like I was a huge disappointment.

I was barely functional for several hours.

This is not the place I want to be.

The bf reminded me that it was about the middle of the month, and that he's noticed that I tend to be more emotional during that time.  I'm not entirely sure what my hormones are doing, but there is a time between my period and ovulation that I seem to loose it a bit.

We also talked about how I've had a bunch of body work lately- acupuncture, chiro, and lymph massage that could have stirred some things up.

I'm hopeful that it's just a convergence of events that led to this, and that I'm not slipping into a new normal, because I desperately don't want to go back.

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